My New Year's Resolutions

1. Drink less
2. Give up smoking
3. and caffeine
4. and McDonalds
5. Only bother with men who I like as much, or more than Ireland and sticking to the 5-date rule.
   

So far 4 (ish) out of 5 are going well

oh and pass my driving test before August (when my theory runs out)

A change in the air

So after the surprise departure of Jeanette from the apartment... I now have a new housemate, Chuck.

Also a kraut, but he seems quite nice.. I haven't tried anything either.. big change from a year ago when I had bedded the Argentian within a week.

I have my eyes on a new victim - I think this is a good sign. 3 days ago I had sworn off men for life but tomorrow is another day and this one is tall, good looking, nice body, well dressed and apparently a nice person too.. this I shall find out for myself this evening when I plan to make my first attack at the anniversary drinks party tonight. Heh.

Chuck will only be staying for a month as Head Chicken likes to be.. just that.. the Alpha Male. So in February Lily will be moving in.. which I think will be nice.. as

1. I already know
2. I know she cooks well
3. and she's a nice person
4. but talks A LOT

better than Jeanette the nutcase in anycase.

It is amazing how many CRAP blogs are on this thing.. out of perhaps 45 random blogs I look at, there is perhaps one, if I am lucky, that is of any interest or amusement whatsoever.

At least mine has certain qualities.. you know like sex, obsession, love, "romance", friends, ninjas, betrayal, drugs.. so many excellent things that at least make it slightly more interesting than 99.9% of the blogs out there. jeez.

another thing that annoys me is that most of them are american.. i think americans must lead boring lives.

england. yeh.

NYE in Barcelona

Unfortunately because of the shitey weather in UK amongst other things, I was left with no plans for New Years and so decided to fly back to Barcelona earlier than planned with Jack!

After being thoroughly searched at the airport - when will I learn to pack less thus avoiding multiple layers of clothing and 23 million kilos of hand luggage no less - finally made it onto the plane and back to good old Barca.

Jack arrived home to find two french guys staying at his apartment - sons of a friend of his landlady so they all ended up coming over for dinner where we drank vast quantities of cava and then headed into Barcelona to my favourite Irish bar to visit Maisy, the poor unfortunate wench who was working on NYE...

There I found myself amongst many old and new friends and we all decided to head off to a club on Plaza Real and boogie, although I do not remember much of this.. though I have the photos to prove I was there!

I somehow made it home but not before first having a little sleep on the stairs of a bar.

Ninja Day

What a week..

After the disaster that was Sunday Night Cinema Trip.. I sort of feel better.. not one hundred percent, but better.

Mindy (a friend from UK) was here on Tuesday.. so I planned a BIG NIGHT TUESDAY

V backed out.. (she has been behaving very oddly lately, I hardly see her)

But Bob and Gracie were on form and came round to partake of the Don (sangria in a carton - special) at my place

Mindy was tired and not really in the mood but I dragged her out anyway.

Our first stop .. (after HC caught us grafittying (sp?) the lift) was, of course, Irish Bar..

Showed Mindy the infamous Ireland .. had a couple of cheeky ones.. then continued next door to Irish Bar 2.. where I showed Mindy the infamous England aka Dan. She preferred England.. no taste.

We had a couple of cheeky tequilas and wound up in our favourite club where we took over the dance floor once again.. by about 3 Mindy was flagging so we popped her in a taxi and the three of us set off to club No 2..

What a place.. went upstairs and they were playing all the cheese! We decided (as always) to ask for Tiffany.. and they had it.. so we just went for it with the requests.. Chesney, Ric Astley, Time Warp..

Unfortunately they closed the room early so we had to go downstairs to the hardcore house dance room where Bob danced away with his goggle glasses on..and the excellent cheese DJ came and joined us.

After tiring of that we made our way to our favourite bar for breakfast.. and lo and behold.. who should we bump into on the way.. but the Irish bar staff just getting out of work.. including Ireland.

This is where it started to go wrong...

At the bar we all ordered in breakfast, we were all very drunk and Gracie soon gave up and went home. It sort of became a challenge between Bob and Myself to see who could stay the longest, who would be the ultimate winner?

Meanwhile Erica (Ireland's workmate and housemate) came and sat on my lap and decided to warn me off Ireland.. saying she thought it was disgusting the way he treated women, she could see that I liked him but that I could get someone better etc.. which I thought was sweet, mainly as she doesn't normally speak to me. ever. I think we might be friends now. She was also going on about E and E... saga.. another time maybe..

At the same time, Ireland was flirting, sort of, with me, but also holding hands with the German girl that I really don't like. In the end I could hardly stand it anymore, and after declaring myself the winner as Bob had passed out I called a truce. I just couldn't be around him doing that.. why are men such idiots?

I was so upset as I left, crying in the taxi home, I decided that it would be best for me not to see Ireland any more, that way I couldn't get upset, and besides I only had a couple more weeks left in Barcelona anyway. Mindy agreed that this was a good idea when I informed her of it when I rolled in at 7am.

Anyway slept for a couple of hours before the FUCKING HAMMERING AND DRILLING started... when will it stop?? Months and months and months of drilling is driving me crazy

After being so rudely awakened I texted the crew to see if anyone was up for a full English. Bob, somehow, had raced down to a phone box within minutes to agree that this was a splendid idea and so we met for a couple of bloody marys and a full english. mmmm.

Drinking the bloody marys I felt like Bambi, I was not sure that my legs would function when I stood up.. but it cured the hangover..

Anyway during breakfast Bob began to ask Mindy a question..

"There was this man.." I stopped him and for some, unknown, random, reason I asked

"Was he a ninja?" and so the day was henceforth named ninja day. :)

We continued with a 30 minute alcohol break where we went to my bar for some water and coffee from England and then it was on to temple for some Baileys.. excellent.

I was feeling pretty hammered by the time we got to the airport to drop Mindy off and partook in knee slides, trying to get through customs, queue jumping, trolley races.. and back on the airport bus to barcelona where Bob and I fucked some shit up in Corte Ingles

"Donde esta el shitter?"

and yet more cocktails and a trip to the supermarket.

I went home and passed out. Bob went home drank a bottle of wine and vomited all over his bedroom floor.

All you need is air

Monday - I was fucked. I did not get dressed. I did not eat. I just moped.. all day.

Tuesday - I made it to work for 3 hours. Went and had Pizza and Video at V's house with Bob

Wednesday - Did a full day at work.. and then.. then there was AIR GUITAR.. I was so excited about air guitar I could hardly contain myself.. at 10 pm we all trundled down to Ireland's house to have a few pre show bevvies.. and then we headed off..

I could not believe the queue.. It was immense.. but there was no one who looked competition enough for Bob and Ireland in their matching (gay) cowboy hats..

Not only was it free to get into such an awesome event but when we got in we discovered free vodka.. I can only say it went downhill from there. We were at the event less than 2 hours yet in that time I managed to drink.. ermm... I think 9 double shots of vodka.. needless to day when we got back to Ireland's apartment for a quick turn around.. I was unable to stand, let alone walk.. and promptly started throwing up in the bathroom.

Ireland and Gracie really looked after me - what absolute stars.. I was put to bed, where I passed out and they all went off for A and J's leaving do.. gutted I missed that! Fucking lightweight.

The webs we weave

Sometimes I even manage to amaze myself at the absolutely ridiculous amount of trouble I get into. And yet I have no one to blame but myself. My friends warn me and warn me but I just won't listen ever.

And so after Stig fucked me over.. what did I do?

7 day bender of doom!

Was so stressed and upset about Stig that I ended up feeling like absolute death on the Friday.

Did that stop me going out? No
Did that stop me getting absolutely leathered? No
Did that stop me going home with Ireland? Hell No!

And on Saturday I did the same again with the exception that Ireland fucked off with some blond Norwegian bird, and I was left with Dan the weasel.. who kept trying and trying and in the end I ended up pulling him in front of Ireland's housemate more than anything out of spite.. he ended up walking me home, but LUCKILY sososo LUCKILY he went home .. I think it was after coming across Head Chicken's mother in the living room that scared him.. Thank goodness.

I then, in an effort to try and not wake her again.. wandered to the loo without switching the lights on.. I had, of course, forgotten that she had left her open suitcase in the hall which I then promptly fell into.. very loudly.. with a lot of cursing. So much for being quiet.

After a heavy weekend.. V had managed to double book herself so to get her out of trouble we all went to the cinema.. Ireland included.. it went well.. and then very very wrong when a supposed quiet night turned into me singing and dancing in the middle of plaza real at 530am.

I also woke up the next day with many bruises and a lump on my head.. I believe this was from when I was giving V and Gracie girl love in Karma and we all fell to the floor.. only to have Mark jump on top.. well who could resist 3 gorgeous women!

That night Ireland dissappeared off with my best friend V.. was I upset? Yes, extremely.. my drunken logic.. was just that.. drunken.. not helped by the fact that when I called her she denied she was with him. I even had to take Monday off work as I just felt like a physical and emotional wreck.

Of course the next day I spoke to her and she told me that nothing had happened..

I can only admit to the fact that I have become a little obsessed with Ireland. oh no.

Stig is a fucker

He finally convinced me to go back with him last night after god knows how many lies..

This morning he called to tell me it's best that we just be friends.. FUCKER. Until he's sorted stuff out with his girlfriend, needless to say I was pretty mad but V came and met me for lunch and we saw through a large jug of Cava Sangria.. and then at the end of lunch he called again.

He isn't planning to leave his girlfriend, he's very sorry. will I forgive him?

HELL NO! Not only has he tricked me and lied to me he now wants my forgiveness.. fuck off is all I have to say.

He said we should both delete each others numbers and not be in contact again.

I told him that none of this surprised me, the truth is, I knew it was coming but still I was very upset, the cava didn't help. Luckily V and Gracie are coming to meet me from work.. we will have tea.. that great British institution.. your house burns down, your family perish.. don't worry pet.. a cup of tea will sort you out.

Ayyy, q pena.

Why you should never play with salt

Having dinner with V, Freddie and V's father.. I told V not to play with the salt.. it's bad luck I said..

Freddy piped up.. yes it is.. the last time I played with salt my house burned down.

Although we all laughed.. this wasn't a joke.. he did play with salt and then his house did burn down. Luckily with no casualties.

You have been warned.

Last night we went to Luz de Gas.

I quite like this place, mainly for the wide range of music they play, it's really quite cheesy so you can have a good old dance. The venue is an old theatre I believe and every day they have some sort of music concert so there is a stage where you can also dance on later on when your extrovert side drunkenly rears its ugly head and you think your Beyoncé incarnate.

I have had quite a few scuffles up on this stage, elbowing old Catalan women out of the way to take my place as queen of the stage. One even tried to push me off. Bitch.

The downside of Luz de Gas is that it is a complete meat market. Which I wasn't wise to at first but now I certainly am even though last night I met a guy, let's call him Stig.

I don't know why, he was very insistent, but we ended up kissing. When I tried to pull away he wouldn't let me. And he didn't smile, not even once.

I told him about why I didn't like the guys I met in Barcelona (they all have girlfriends but cheat on them anyway) and he gave me the old "But I'm not like those" bullshit.

To be honest I found him very peculiar but strangley fascinating which is why, after walking around the city for about an hour I decided to go home with him but not to have sex. Which is what I did.

Sometimes I am a stupid girl, in the time I spent with Stig, I found out that not only was he a Nazi sympathiser and a racist but he also kept a sword on top of his wardrobe and had a girlfriend!

Fucker. I left his apartment raging and had no idea where I was! I eventually found a metro station and made my way home.

The Dominican Republic – The rules are .. there are no rules

Torrential rain greeted us on our arrival in Santo Domingo, I had been led to believe the Caribbean was sunny and watching forked lightening light up the Caribbean sea when Hurricane Katrina had just destroyed large parts of the USA did little to ease my anxieties concerning hurricanes hitting the island at any moment. This was even more the case when on arrival at Joan’s beach house we encountered a shipwrecked boat at the end of the garden – the result of a recent hurricane.

My first impressions of the country were varied – on one hand there is an enormous amount of wealth, driving around the roads there are no end of hugely expensive cars, Hummers, Jags, Porsches – however this money is held by an extremely small percentage of the population while the rest (mainly black) survive on next to nothing using the carros publicos and ‘bus’ services to travel to and from their employees each day. Every place we visited had servants to cook, clean.. and I was not entirely comfortable with a situation in which the black people are viewed as a lower class mainly there to serve the obese rich white people.

Going to a local TV station to pick something up we climbed the stairs as the lift was hanging from a cable and there appeared to be no doors.. like a scene from candyman.. however walking through the doors of the company we then found ourselves in a luxurious reception.. Another thing that amazed me were the carros publicos (public cars), at first we were under the impression that they were taxis (very dodgy taxis but still..) until it was explained to us their true purpose.. cars that are completely unroadworthy in the UK (imagine the advert set in India where they use an elephant to bash up a car in the shape of a Peugeot – in the end the car is covered in dents.. like that) are driven around the city picking up passengers along the way.. sort of like a taxi but shared with other people.. the amazing thing about these cars is not the fact they look like scrap metal but more the numbers of people, chickens, goats they can actually fit inside them.. it’s not uncommon to see 8 or 9 people in one carro.

Our host Joan wanted to make sure that we saw typical Dominican life so we were taken to many bars and clubs where we once again heard the immortal lines uttered by all Dominican men ‘ Do you dance merengue?’ now we can at least say yes! Dominican men are a breed of weasel all to their own.. never have I been so sure of what a guy is going to say before he has said it.. You have such beautiful eyes, You’re the most beautiful girl in the whole place, even.. I’ve fallen in love.

Joan also decided to take us around the island to see some of the beautiful beaches in the north and east of the island.. when discussing plans with his friends one of them felt the need to take some time off work to join us as he didn’t think we’d arrive back alive.. one of the had also advised him to definitely without a doubt acquire a 4x4 for the journey, Joan decided against heeding his friend’s advice and off we set on our road trip in a Peugeot saloon car.. I am not sure if some one cursed our journey but it was possibly the most stressful trip of my life. Having set off four hours late we finally set off and half an hour into the trip a tyre burst.. having a tyre burst in normal circumstances is bad enough.. having a tyre burst on a Dominican motorway is the worst.. we first of all changed the tyre in the 37 degree heat being beeped at every 2 minutes by Dominican lorry drivers. The emergency tyre was not worth the rubber it was made of and we knew we had to find a replacement asap. Miraculously there was a tyre replacement place just on the other side of the motorway which we reached by crossing the six lanes of traffic. A tyre replacement centre in the Dominican republic is not like one in Europe..

The route across the island was fascinating we passed through coconut plantations, banana plantations, through tiny hamlets and shanty towns and over and across the mountains to see the most spectacular view over the coast line of the North-East Coast of the Island known as Las Terrenas. As we drove Joan regaled me with interesting facts about the different things we were seeing – Banana plants for example only give one harvest , and so every year all of the plants must be uprooted and new ones planted. This is the same with sugar cane – after the harvest they uproot what they can and set fire to the fields giving off a smell like burnt caramel. We also passed Hugh Hefner’s Dominican Estate,

When we arrived at the beach that had been recommended to us we found that it had been wrecked by the hurricane that had blown by the north side of the island so we went on a mission to find a new place . It was already 3pm and the sun sets at 6 so we had precious little time, not to be deterred we set off along the coastline looking for an alternative beach. Stopping at a junction we came across a chap on a moped, Joan asked him to recommend a beach nearby and the guy said he would take us to one.. we just had to follow him. Off we went behind moped man in search of a beach within a few minutes we had encountered our first obstacle – a funeral procession.. not just any funeral procession,, a typical Dominican procession with the body being drawn by horse and the whole village walking slowly behind. We eventually passed, having been following for around 25 minutes and carried on. Moped guy had told us that the journey would take 15 minutes.. yet, not including the hold-up, we had been following him for a good 30 minutes. He eventually turned off down a dirt track and we followed behind.. this is when we began to understood why we needed a 4x4. The track was a best a dirt road and a worst a potholed, rocky, ditch ridden ridiculous excuse for a track which Joan’s car was having extreme difficulty getting down. Every time rocks scraped along the bottom of the car Joan’s face would screw up in horror. Yet we carried on.

We then encountered our second obstacle. Turning a corner we found ourselves face to face with a herd of particularly sorry looking cows. Our guide had zoomed on ahead on his little moto while we sat and watched as one by one the cows slowly sauntered by with their herder and we watched the sun get lower in the sky as the rest of our sunlight and chance to tan ourselves slipped slowly from sight…

We carry on and see in the distance a peculiar sight, over the brow of a small hill in the road we see our guide has dismounted his moto and is throwing rocks over his head trying to clear the road. At this point our guide reappears and Joan tells him that the track is a no go and we are turning around. Not to fret, our guide knows another shorter, and easier, not to mention better for the car route. Why he didn’t tell us this earlier… anyway we turn around and make our way back down the track scraping the car as we go.

We reach the main road drive down a little way and follow our guide down another little track.. a few drops start to hit the windshield, rain. Great. All we need. We carry on regardless even though this track does not seem any better than the last and is, if possible, worse. A little way down we pass some people on quad bikes, the rain is now starting to fall quite heavily, the road is fast becoming a quagmire, we stop the quads and ask what the the road is like further on.

“In that car… impossible”

We call it a day and head back to the hotel.

To Be Continued .....

The longest blog entry ever

You can breathe a sigh of relief.. this is not the epic novel of normal… and lucky for you as I haven’t sent a newsletter since July.. wow what a long time..

Just to let you know briefly what I’ve been up to.. a lot..

July:

In July (and August) I worked like a demon as it’s the busiest time of year in this line of work so there were no holidays for me although it wasn’t all work.. on 13th July I went to bed knowing it would be the last time I got a decent night’s sleep until 3rd August..

What Shameless did

Ibiza: Went over to Ibiza for a weekend for a friend’s birthday where I managed to spend a mammoth 14 hours on the beach.. only moving to go on a banana boat (note to self: never scream when falling off, open mouth and sea water do NOT mix). The definite highlight of the weekend had to be a DJ friend mixing in Tiffany – I think we’re alone now into his funky house mix – very pleasing!

Mindy @ the hotel: I flew in from Ibiza and went straight to work (having made a cool 125 euros from foolish airline overbooking the flight), went for a liquid lunch (not recommended after a weekend of no sleep) and spent the next 10 days partying and beaching with Mindy showing her the best of Barca including Shoko, My new favourite bar(see below), danzatoria (of course), the best falafel place in the world... it’s not tofu.. we also went to the strangest vegetarian restaurant in the world where we did get fed tofu and roasted beetroot.. I believe that will be my one and only visit there.. anyway it was an excellent few days and hopefully Mindy will come back and visit soon

The discovery of the best bar ever: ****bar – my new favourite place.. so secret.. I don’t even know the address.. only trusted members of the BCN circle know that we frequent it.. the craziest, funnest, most excellent bar in the whole of Barcelona if not the world.. at 00:00 it’s empty yet within half an hour it is so full that people (me) have no choice but to dance on the tables.. on the bar.. fit (straight) barmen dancing on the bar swinging their tops around in the air.. yes. dodgy alcohol that leaves you unable to even see after one drink .. and the best bit ..a 9:1 ratio of men to women! heh.

The Ex and His friend @ the hotel: The day Mindy left (after very nearly missing her flight.. sorry about that) Ex and his friend arrived for yet another 5 days of more beach, more danzatoria, more ****bar, 83 very drunken photos and an almighty big row.. excellent.

August: I continued to work work work all through August.. I I spent the first weekend of August in Andalucia with my family and friends having a wicked time.. I love the people in Andalucia.. they are the nicest, friendliest people in the world.. although my Sevillana cousin led me astray by taking me out and getting me drunk on a Monday night when I had a 7am flight…

When I returned I was quite disturbed to see that Barcelona had been deserted by locals and internationals alike and so I decided to provide me and my friends with our own nightlife and thus began the Shameless Hussy Party Trilogy which was f***ing awesome.

Tia and Pierre and Ludwig @ the hotel – Having been lulled into a false sense of security thinking that I had the whole apartment free for the month of August (even HC was away for 20 days) I then had some last minute bookings of the nicest kind and to be fair after 20 minutes on my own I’d got bored anyway and was glad of the new company even though on Pierre's first day he thought I was a nutcase as I spent 2 hours hiding outside behind a bush.. loooong story.. blame HC

Cocktail Friday, Gansters and Molls and the White and Blue Party were all amazingly successful and I have now been put in charge of organising my housemate’s 30th.. although he is COMPLETELY unaware of the events we are having when he is away..PS1 I must just radiate best parties ever hostess vibes.. I now have 1000 euros to spend.. and so.. the next party organised by myself will involve castles, helicopters, waterfalls.. the works.. GET IN! will send all pics (obviously taken by the official photographer)
Can’t wait for that one!

I thought I had completely got away with the parties.. party no.3 was excellent.. a large and lively crowd the night before HC was due to return.. then on to a club .. Mirablau - we had a couple of incidents the week before due to our gangster outfits and not being allowed into anywhere .. however i had had a few phonecalls to day everyone had made it in and i was surprised to say the least when i got to the club and found it empty.. especially as i was the last to arrive.. after i'd ordered a drink at the bar it occurred to me to ask the name of the club.. turns out it was called mirablé, we were in the wrong damn place.. V, Ludwig and I downed our drinks and then watched as Percy casually sauntered to the entrance tipped his drink into a plastic glass and walked out.. i forgot that you could do that in Spain..
It was so cool to eventually walk into MiraBLAU and see the dance floor full of people from the party all dressed in white and blue!

The previous party had taken me 13 hours to clean up after.. but I had it all under control.. an after party cleaning party team was gathered together and at 0530am after getting home from the club.. we set about tidying the house.- the fact that we were all so hammered (thanks to my infamous Cocktail bowl and those earlier drinks we'd downed) definitely helped our progress and the place was spotless in under an hour.. the place looked better than it ever had.. all that was left to do was take a binbag of rubbish (glass bottles) down..
This is not more difficult than it sounds.. all it involved was opening the front door and putting the sack in the lift.. however.. Jack thought it would be a clever idea to throw the bin bag over the banister and down 4 storeys..

I’m sure you can imagine the noise a huge bin bag of glass bottles makes when it hits a stone floor 4 storeys below and the kind of mess.. well actually you probably can’t imagine but it’s pretty phenomenal.. enough to wake up several neighbours that’s for sure.. Jack claims he was unaware there was any glass in the bag even though that was the ONLY thing in it.. Ludwig and Gracie legged it out the front door.. while Jack thought that it should just be left... i slept through it all.

The next day.. I apologised to my neighbour for any noise made.. her response was..

“It wasn’t really the noise that bothered me.. it was just … very… strange.. but
don't worry about it"

And then she goes and dobs me in.. to be honest I was surprised that no-one had complained throughout the duration of the parties although i have heard tales of cans being thrown up at the balcony from below.. and a neighbour actually being AT the party..

September: Work slacked off a tiny bit.. but I still felt like the Tazmanian Devil.. my life seems to be like a soap opera at the moment.. life is never simple.. and then I jetted off to the caribe for a well deserved holiday.. tales from that next time..



PS1. I have since been busted for the parties. I was in very big trouble but the fact I got away with them for so long I think makes me a fucking legend! I think that a mole gave me away.. I’ve yet to find out who.. but when I do.. they can be rest assured they are in BIG BIG trouble. My housemate after threatening many things has since forgiven me and allowed me to continue living there.. I think the present I bought helped. However, never one to be deterred, I am ever on the look out for new HS locations and as my reputation has preceded me, I have had several offers of apartments in which to hold parties.. yeh.. it’s all good

NEXT TIME: Tales from the dominican republic, Princess party, the evils of Tequila, life under a german dictatorship as experienced first hand

Those were my main highlights of the month.. but I also went to a party sponsored by Marlboro at a government building – something you’d never have in UK.. they were even giving away cigarettes!

My cousin and her mates also came out one day in Barcelona. We went for a delicious meal and then went back to mine for drinks.. they were then insistent that we went to a gay club.. I was not keen especially as lesbians seem to have a penchant for me.. but as it was Sonia’s bday.. she chose and off to the gay club we went.. luckily it was on my street so I could head home vey easily if I so desired..

To my surprise it was not as bad as I thought.. there were a hell of a lot of straight people there which I thought was a bit strange but it was a good atmosphere, good music… at one point we were dancing in what I call the ‘lesbian corner’.. tell you what, if I was a lesbian I’d turn straight cos all the lesbians were so butch and complete rotters.. none of them tried to touch me which I was pleased about.. A friend of mine was found chatting up a transvestite which he was convinced was a woman though.. comedy.
This month I also made my usual visits to Danzatoria, never loses its appeal.. Las Carpas (the jumbo jet place), lots of clapping, met my bosses new kitten .. sooo cute.. and took the best photo ever..

A visit home

Yet another ridiculously long newsletter from the land of Catalunya.. ! If only my essays at uni had required me to write banterous tales of alcohol induced antics.. I may have got a first.

1. A visit home 23rd June
A few weeks ago I decided that it was time for a trip home. My mother was threatening to throw my stuff in the street and I was in need of a haircut. Spanish hairdressers are far too scary for my liking and I really wasn't liking the idea of a mini-fringe or a mullet... or any other random hairstyle that's popular amongst Catalans..
The Friday was a national holiday in Barcelona, San Joan, a mayhem filled fiesta involving tons of fireworks and plenty of injuries. After experiencing Las Fallas in Valencia a couple of years ago the prospect of having fireworks thrown at me again was not appealing especially after reading a special newspaper report on how many digits had been lost in firework accidents in the last ten years… scary stuff - UK was a far safer bet.
And so I decided to take the Thursday off and fly into East Midlands to spend a night in Nottingham with J before he went off to Canada, some final banter..

As on Thursday I didn't have to work I planned to go out.. I had already been out on the Tuesday until late but it was almost holiday after all.. I went out with some students straight after work to a nice Mexican bar planned to stay no more than an hour but ended up going home 7 hours later at 3am.. it was as I trundled home I realised that I had to be up at 7 and I still hadn't packed.. eek!!! My housemate found me sat cross-legged next to my suitcase just throwing random items of clothing in, in the hope that I might be able to hash together some kind of outfit when I got to the UK, from the look of bemusement on my housemate's face I knew it was time to go to bed..

Luckily I managed to wake up with just enough time to repack my suitcase in the morning.. one shoe would not have been of much use to me.. I managed to get to the bus station and get the bus with 30 seconds to spare. I was testing out flying from Girona on the Ryan Air flights and this involves an hour plus bus ride from Barcelona.. NEVER FLY RYAN AIR! It is full of scutters and gypsies..

I admit that I wasn't in the best of moods as I had had very little sleep but seeing the enormous 45 minute long queue for the 2 solitary check in desks did not help.. it helped even less when a couple of northern monkeys decided to take my space in the queue while i was searching in my bag for my passport. I picked up my bag and placed myself in my rightful place.. they then started muttering amongst themselves in an audible voice.. that girl's got a bloody cheek... pushing in the queue.. etc etc.. you know what these old people are like.. i wouldn't have minded so much had it not been for the fact that for once I had nothing wrong and it was they who were the queue jumpers who then had the nerve to talk about me while I was standing there... I turned round, "Is there a problem" I enquired... they started spluttering er no .. I was just talking to him... "That's ok then" I replied. I turned back round and they continued to mutter about me in less audible voices this time, all the way down the sodding queue. When we approached the front i gestured that they could go first if it was that bloody important to them but no, they didn’t want to.. funny that.

That was not to be the end of my traumas on my Ryan air flight back home.. as we were boarding there were some very shady characters standing in front of me. Oh God. More pikeys. The guy had several tattoos but the one that caught my eye was a warrior holding a bloodied sword above his head with.. ma and pa written under each of the feet – classy - he then swung his hand luggage across his back almost knocking me out and I noticed his address… The key words that stuck out were MOBILE HOME… Oh dear God.. Real life gypsies.. It could only happen to me

It was possibly the most awful plane journey I have ever taken. I have never seen so many seats crammed into such a small space, on top of this they've taken out the little button you press to tilt the seat back so you can’t even sleep. It's the worst.
Anyway… enough of anti Ryan air rants..

I finally reached the airport and J was waiting so that we could go directly to Nando's... mmmmmmm Nandos... I absolutely stuffed myself with delicious chicken and then it was time for the fun to begin.. on our way home we stopped by Tesco’s. They now have these ingenious machines where you can check out your own stuff.. I had to have a go... I managed to break the machine by putting my bag where the shopping is meant to go, how was I meant to know it weighs your stuff to check you aren’t thieving!!
Anyway we headed from the supermarket via house collected alcohol and ice and went straight to the park complete with a purple mug to have a few cheeky beverages while soaking up some rays.. nice summers day in the park.. yes!

After a few more drinks in the courtyard of J's house and J deciding to climb the roof.. (an antic which would be repeated over the course of the weekend with disastrous results) We then went on to have a night out in Nottingham … where I showed some bar staff how to prepare legendary jammy dodgers and ending up in Tantra where they had a live singer/band who sang ..yes.. You’ve lost that loving feeling without any provocation.. We went crazy!!! Salad dancing and trumpets came out... excellent! i then told the singer that his performance pleased me and he just gave me a strange look...

J and Piper had started to get hungry by about 1230 and clearly wanted food.. i knew this because they were singing along to every song but had changed the lyrics to food food food food food food we want food food food food food... Thea and I had set our sights on a a large pitcher of tasty looking cocktail that the bloke next to us was struggling with.. it was only good manners to offer to help it out with it.. so we sent J and Piper off to get food with the promise that we would join the shortly.. while we tucked into the pitcher with an Australian hedgehog farmer and his mate... much crazy dancing later and about 500 phone calls from J trying to find out why we hadn’t appeared yet.. the bar closed and we ended up making our way down to the casino.. gambling with other people's money.. yes!! J was still calling me to find out where we were and continued to believe me when i told him we were on our way. We ended up spending a couple of hours in the casino losing all of the hedgehog farmer's money, grabbing some naan and chips and a cheeky snog and walking home at 0530.. now it was my turn to call J as i had all my stuff in his house.. after 11 phone calls he didn't answer and i thought he was just being vengeful.. but finally he picked up the phone.. i found him completely battered sprawled across Thea's sofa.. unable to formulate a sentence..


I managed to drag him back to the house.. somehow.. as i wasn't exactly stone cold sober.. and was amazed that it was daylight.. J shouted abuse at some pikeys.. but luckily i don’t think they heard him and we got back in one piece.. it was then that J decided he would not be going to work that day and instead would accompany me back home on the 9am train and spend the weekend in my home town. He had already sacked off work the night before by telling them that he had dysentery so it was not much of a problem.. we got to bed at 6 but after an hour J came in and started pottering about.. fuck off J.. I only have 2 hours to sleep and you have managed to disturb even those. Anyway at 0730 J was back pottering about once again.. grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Anyway in the end I just got up and we made our way down to the station to catch the train. A relative was picking us up at the other end as I had an important appointment with the bank to go to at 12 so I need to give the illusion of sobriety.. Me and J chatted the whole way back to good old Kettering and it was only several hours later that I realised we had both still been absolutely hammered talking an absolute load of shit. God knows what the other passengers must’ve thought... my attempt to appear sober didn’t really work either. The plan was to keep our mouths shut.. J managed but I was just jabbered nonsensical gibberish... oh dear.
Even worse was the alcohol shakes when I made it to the bank having dropped J off to nap, not good. I then had a three hour appointment with the hairdresser, it was so nice and warm and relaxing having someone "playing" with my hair that I completely fell asleep, even had dreams, head lolling, dribbling... felt like a complete pillock, but at least I had a nice new hair cut.

Off I went to Mistletoe Road to see how J was fending. Now J having gone back to bed still battered had woken up wondering what the hell he was doing in my home town. It was all good though, Tia arrived with supplies for the imminent Saturday night party and obviously we tested them out to make sure that we weren’t going to poison anyone. We then made our way into My home town – the center of the universe - for more Jammy dodgers, couple of mojitos then some crazy dancing in my home town’s premier night spot followed by a tasty kebab in burger joint. What amazes me most about burger joint is that even though I only go once every 2 or 3 months when I’m back in the UK.. They always remember my name and make sure my order has top priority. They even have my phone number.. Very pleasing.

The next day after very little sleep again, I was absolutely dead… we went into town for some breakfast at around 1600, then came back and crashed on the sofa feeling sorry for ourselves.. when Maisy found us she was not very impressed at our apparent lack of enthusiasm for the house party that would end all house parties. All I wanted to do was sleep, this all changed after J poured some redbull (and vodka) down my throat and I began to liven up.. guests arrived and we made our way into the garden for some drinks on the patio.. I remember quite clearly J and Colin chatting. It went something along the lines of...

“All good parties always end in a fight, or stuff getting smashed or someone leaving in an ambulance”

Colin – “well it ain’t gonna be me.. I'm invincible”

It was at this point we decided that we would ‘borrow’ next doors slide for our own garden and then I believe it was me that planted the idea of transforming the garden into one massive water slide with the help of bin bags, a kettle of water and some washing up liquid.. Let the mayhem commence!!!


After some fun watching Thumper go head first over the slide and all the way down the garden I had another bright idea.. I gathered some partners in crime (Colin and J) and we headed to the ‘shop’ to buy ‘chocolate’.. We did actually make it to the shop where we purchased some sambuca which J shoved down the back of his trousers so that we could take it to our real destination.. The Pub for a couple of cheeky tequilas… I believe this could be to blame for what happened later… the Pub is a good 500m away from ivy road yet as we came out (with some shot glasses successfully thieved by myself) we could hear the power ballads pumping from the party..

I think the point I knew that it was gonna get messy was when the entire bottle of sambuca disappeared within 10 minutes of getting back to the party… and only 3 or 4 people were involved in drinking it.. J and Colin being the main culprits..
With the music going and alcohol flowing the party was going swimmingly.. J had vanished though. He was later found asleep upstairs which was soon remedied and he was back at the party, waking him up was probably not one of my better ideas.. (unlike the water slide).. The events that followed would lead to this being a party that no-one would forget..

1. Colin then threw J onto the BBQ which was demolished and thrown over into the next garden (official line – it was broken the following week during the day when J tripped and fell on it) (there was not gonna have to be an official line but when Maisy and J went to buy a replacement bbq, they realised after they had assembled it that it was completely different.. Maisy's parents were pleased though as it was better than the one they had originally bought her)
2. He then threw J into a tree… and left him there… for a good 20 minutes..
3. Meanwhile I was storming the dancefloor with some salad dancing as well as being the official party photographer and bantering anyone in my path..
4. J (total victimisation) was then thrown in a bush… followed by Maisy … who now has a nice Harry Potter scar on her head (official line – done whilst on the Friday night at the wedding falling into a bush in Edinburgh botanical garden) this was after she’d already been dropped on her head while being spun around trying to do some dirty dancing moves
5. The first victim, Shell, passes out.
6. Thumper spills vodka all over stereo and it blows up.. stereo is put in airing cupboard to dry off..
7. J disappears again and I spend a good ten minutes searching under the beds.. in the wardrobes.. up the tree.. no sign
8. I then realise Colin is also missing so assume they are together and all is well
9. Stereo is dried.,.. amazingly works and the party continues….
10. Around 4.. blue lights are seen outside… Maisy – “turn everything off.. DRUGS RAID” … errr we have no drugs… realise it’s a false alarm and music goes back on
11. Receive phone call from J… can you just come outside in the street.. I stagger out and see ambulance about 100m down the road..

12. “Should I be approaching ambulance?”

13. yes

14. Colin is laying in ambulance… the ambulance men assure me that it isn't a serious injury.. I take a quick snap with my phone and the ambulance men slam the doors in my face..

15. I run back to the party.. show everyone the comedy photo and have a good old laugh..

Turns out Colin and J has decided to go garden hopping… this was going well until about 20 houses down they encountered the wall of the auto garage.. not being the type of guys to let something like a wall stop them.. they climbed on top of the garage.. Colin put a hole through the roof.. J carried on and made his way back to street level by successfully jumping off.. VICTORY.. Colin was still on top of the roof and not so sure about leaping to his certain death.. J advised him that the best way would be to lower himself down using anything but the plastic guttering.. Colin grabbed on to the plastic guttering comes crashing down.. J tried to catch him.. ambulance called..

16. Around 430 I receive an answer phone message.. Hello this is J.. just at the General Hospital.. me and Colin are sobering up.. can you bring us more alcohol..

17. Around 530 party starts winding down and we all start to find little spaces to sleep, me and Benji on the floor, Thumper Shell and Kt in one bed, Tia and Stevo in another

18. Around 9ish J arrives back from the hospital, Colin has fractured his knee and has to have his whole leg in plaster. He will be out of action for months.

After grabbing some breakfast at the local café and recovering a little we all headed to the hospital to see Colin.. even though his entire left leg was in plaster, he was in fairly good spirits agreeing that it was probably the best house party in the world ever.

MTV Campari Party 7th July

The events of Thursday 7th July were pretty fucked up and when I got home I really had no desire to go out or do anything.. I then thought to myself.. fuck it.. this is what the people that did this want.. to screw up everyone’s life.. create havoc and chaos and to prevent people from going about their normal lives.. There was no way that was gonna happen to me.. and I had worked bloody hard to obtain myself an invite for the party that night that I was gonna go!

The party was being held by MTV and Campari.. I had seen some flyers for the event and wanted to go as I noticed Groove Armada were playing.. a good set if ever there was one.. however I was unaware of the exclusivity of the party and the difficulty in obtaining entrance… this did not put me off and after putting in a couple of calls to some people in the know I was on my way..

The party was held at Shoko which is a pretty cool bar as it is, with sort of an oriental thing going for it.. Campari and MTV had completely transformed it into a love palace.. at the door there was a giant martini glass with a girl laying in it and the club had been decked out in Campari colours with rose petals scattered everywhere.. a giant double bed with red and pink silk satin sheets and random giant oyster shells and stuff with girls in bikinis inside!

The bar was free. Yes. And Groove Armada played an unbelievably awesome set.. the whole club was pumping with the most “beautiful” people in Barcelona.. unfortunately these consist mainly of gay men. I did have one random man come up to me and start dancing for me.. he then put my hand under his top so I could feel his nice body!?! And then kissed my stomach.. very bizarre.. I then ran away.. why didn’t you save me I asked my friend.. oh, he said, I thought you knew him.. as if!

I went with some friends from the Dominican Republic although I have a sneaking suspicion that one may have a soft spot for me, at every opportunity he grabs hold of me like some kind of oversized leech.

Anyway it was an awesome night.

San Fermin. 9th July

On 7th July every year The San Fermines festival in Pamplona (Basque Country) begins. This is a 7 day event where the people dressed in the traditional outfit of all white with red neckerchiefs and sashes go mad and eat drink and be merry for the entire 168 hours. The highlight of the festival, or what it is most renound for is the daily event of the encierro. You will probably have heard about it or seen it on the TV, every day 6 bulls are let to run loose down the streets down to the plaza de toros (bull ring) and the people run with them…

Having heard that this was the biggest party ever known.. I had to go - obviously! Some friends of mine were going and I decided that they were worthy companions so I signed myself up. The coaches left Barcelona at 1200 midday and left Pamplona at 0900 the next morning - a full night of party party some running with the bulls and then heading home. I needed to make sure I had plenty of sleep in preparation (you know where this is headed) I ended up going to bed at 0730 on Friday (well Saturday morning) only to be up at 1030. I was dead, but there was no way I was gonna miss out and I made it to the bus.

7 hours later and a short stop in weasel country we arrived in Pamplona, a bottle of cava was handed out to everyone and we made our way into the festival.

It was completely mad. At 7pm all bars, squares, streets, clubs, pubs everywhere were absolutely full of drunken people having a crazy time… and not one fight!! It was great! Just my kind of place… we got kitted out with our red neckerchiefs and we were ready to begin the festivities with some dancing and clapping..

We decided we would have a sit down meal with plenty of wine.. before the real party started. Amazingly we managed to find a restaurant that would serve the 12 of us and we headed on over…

The restaurant was underneath a bar, even though it was only 10pm the place was jam packed and the floor was a lake of spilt drinks etc. I‘d had a couple of swigs of cava but I wouldn’t say I was drunk, but unfortunately I managed to take one step down the stairs, slip, and fall all the way to the bottom… The pain was intense and I knew any bull running was off, however I do now have an enormous purple and black bruise across my arse and one down my arm - war injuries. Yes! I used ice to numb the pain as well as plenty of alcohol and decided that medical issues could wait…there was mayhem to be had.

We finished the meal a couple of hours later and as we came out of the restaurant the streets had turned into carnage, people passed out in doorways, naked dancing… you get the idea. We decided to go to a bar but I managed to lose everyone apart from Jack on the way. Oh well not to worry, I tried to persuade Jack into dancing but he was having none of it and went and laid down on a patch of grass to rest… sleeping is cheating…there was no way I was going to travel 7 hours to do some resting, I was there to go mad. So off I went in pursuit of new friends, which I soon found in the form of some Basque guys who were wearing multi-coloured orange shorts and t-shirts. Now I had to admit when everyone wears exactly the same it makes it very difficult to find your mates amongst thousands and thousands. I was learning the hard way, but I would have no problem finding my new mates!

After having some banter with my new found friends I amazingly spotted the people that I had originally come with and we went to find somewhere to dance... the bars were so packed with people dancing, the people spilled out onto the street about 20 deep, getting to the bar was virtually impossible.. I say virtually... as I managed it!

We danced for a few hours before it was time to take our positions for the best part of the festival, the running of the bulls. I was already out due to my injuries but several of the group decided that they would participate. We decided that we would go down to the end of the route into the bull ring where all the runners and bulls end up and watch from the relative safety of the seats. To get a good view on the route you have to have found a good spot by 5am and then wait…

We got into the bull ring at about 0715 and took our positions quite high up in front of the main entrance where the runners would be coming in. There was a marching style band playing while we waited and the crowd got very lively, singing, chanting and doing the Mexican wave awaiting the first runners to come through, it was an amazing atmosphere and you felt really quite nervous for the people running - I was fairly glad that I had been injured as I would have been bricking it if I’d have run.
At 8am the run starts and the first "runners" came dawdling through. “What the hell is this?” I thought. “After all the anticipation they’re not even running”. Then we heard the first gun shot that indicated that the first bulls had been released… my, my, was there a change of pace, the dawdlers then started to leg it across the ring and throw themselves over the barriers, then hundreds of people came tearing through the gate running frantically towards the edges, closely followed by the bulls trampling everyone. It was all over within a matter of seconds and the bulls were recaptured. “Right, time to go” I thought, but no, with the bull ring now full of hundreds of people new bulls were re-released to go mad in the middle of the people. Oh my... I’ve never seen anything like it, people were trying to touch the bull and the bull was going crazy. One guy got tossed around by the bull for about 3 minutes. Loads got trampled and had their clothes ripped off them and one or two were gored. Watching it just made your stomach knot but you couldn't not watch. At one point a bull managed to jump over the barrier and into the crowd so I was quite pleased I was sitting far up.


At around 845 it was over and I made my way back to the coach for the 7 hour journey home... I almost died as the a.c. started blowing out hot air..

We finally arrived back in Barcelona at around 3.30 pm and I must’ve looked a right bedraggled state as i made my way home covered in filth with my little red neckerchief on.. nice!
I then slept for a loooong time.

The line

It's monday morning and I'm now back at work after an excellent weekend in Torremolinos where J provided much meat for the bbq, and apart from whip lash - an awesome weekend!

Friday night it was just me and the devious one.. so we just got drunk.. J sang you've lost that lovin feeling to an entire bar of gypos and scared some away. We then tried to banter some locals and failed and ended up swimming in the sea at 6am.. J butt naked and me with at least underwear.. as hard as J tried he could not persuade me to participate in the naked time he so seems to enjoy!

Anyway on Saturday we just hung out on the beach for most of the day and waited for Brody to come and get involved in the action. She eventually arrived at around 8pm after a stressful drive and there was no choice but to go out, unwind and get the beers in... off we trundled down to a place known as 24 hour square full of annoying pikeys trying to tempt you into their bars with offers of free shots.. well we settled on a bar where drinks were 2 for 1 and the conversation turned to the old game of snog a trog..
.. to this day I'm still not sure how it came about but it was decided that J should definitely do his best to pull a munter of a 12 on 1 to 10 scale of rotteness. If he completed the misison then I was prepared to skinny dip on the way home.. and this sadly was enough to convince J to do it..

Suddenly the challenge didn't seem worthy enough of the prize. The stakes had to be raised.. and so, as well as pulling the trog, J then had to whisper in her ear "I think you're fucking gorgeous". Then, while gently caressing her side "you make me WELL horny", nibble her ear and get her really randy and then, I believe it was Brody who came up with the ultimate line of randomness...
"Can I" .... a cheeky glance into her eyes..

"Can I put my willy in your ear?"

It was the ultimate line-- and if any one could get away with it.. it was J..

We spotted a victim amongst a group of British ladies that were wearing matching t-shirts with woopee cushen written on the back. The victim was also wearing some pink fluffy ears and definitely met all requirements. We ran through the mission again.. the gentle caress, the nibble on the ear.. and culminating in the ultimate line.. "can i shove my nob in your ear."

Brody and I disappeared to the other side of the bar to observe J move in for the kill. However, J was unable to get the eye contact needed and it was decided we would sack off that bar in order to search for more victims.. but J at least had to say to the munter "I think you're fucking gorgeous" before we left.

As he approched her I caught the word gorgeous and couldn't control myself any longer and had to make a sharp exit as I'm sure if she'd have seen me pissing myself, she would've smelt a rat. However a cheeky peck on the lips was acheived and we moved on..

(Yes, I do feel mean and I know Karma will get me)

The next bar, did not contain any suitable victims as it was a local place for local people. I would not let this little hiccup deter us and so we translated the phrase from English to Spanish. It took J about 5 minutes to memorise the phrases the only problem was if he cocked up he would end up saying "Can I kill a chicken in you ear?".. most definitely not the way forward.

Anyway J then approached an more than ample sized Spanish bird at the bar and attempted to try his luck with his newly accumulated Spanish chat.. she went mental!! Not sure if it was because he asked to put his old chap in her ear or kill a chicken... we made a sharp exit to avoid death ..but it amused me all night.
The rest of the weekend was spent playing ethnic rummy and victimising local pikeys with d'ya like dags??? to which we got some random replies:
Yeh I like Mcdonalds
What was that? Another straw?
No Vee do not like dogs
Fucking yes! Bantering locals IS the way forward..
looking forward to muchos banteros in Nottingham in a couple of weeks. get in.

Spring in Barcelona- My latest update for those back in Blighty


Ok well here we are again.. I just about finish one newsletter and I'm on to the next.. will it ever stop!!!

1. Las Carpas - A crazy fun mad house
As is required every few weeks I have to make a visit to see my cousin - this appeases my Spanish grandmother as I’m away from the dangerous streets of Barcelona city and not hanging around with boys, and also means I get to go out on the piss outside of Barcelona.

This time my cousin had a night at an outdoor nightclub lined up - she did not sound entirely convinced by this idea.. so I wasn't particularly looking forward to it either, especially as on the train out of Barcelona the temperature dropped with every 2 kms. Luckily my cousin was very much mistaken and Las Carpas turned out to be one of the funnest places ever... 4 or 5 different 'zones' playing everything from Salsa to Cheese to House! and all outside! I think the best bit had to be walking into one zone and coming across half of an entire jumbo jet..!!! madness. I also liked the little island of palm trees that had been lit up with fairy lights, what made the place really special was the semi naked men dancing on the bars unbelievably badly. Pure comedy!

2. Barcelona Nightlife
As well as my normal guest lists to most clubs in town, (with my crew in tow I am a PR guy's dream), I now have a sweet little deal going on with a events company that run a club night here on a Tuesday night. I gather a few people together to come along and they lay on a table for me and my chosen companions with free champagne. Yes! Sitting on the outdoor terrace overlooking the beach sipping free champagne is the way forward.. This little contact means if there are any cool parties going on I always get an invite, and it often involves a free bar! It pleases me!

These last few weeks have been pretty heavy going for me what with one bday after another, various visitors to SH Hotel, plus my normal life I’m starting to feel the pain. This is not helped by relatives arriving at 8am in Barcelona and me having to go and meet them especially when I spend an hour searching for them and it appears they have disappeared off the face of the earth... only to find out 2 days later that there had been delays and they never arrived in the first place.... I wouldn't mind so much if I’d have had more than 3 hours sleep...

Last week I went out for Ludwig's b'day.

Free champagne, yes!

Free drinks all night, yes!

Bar closes at 3am, carry on partying at another club? Hell yes!

Me and Ludwig doing some crazy moves on the dance floor and finally deciding to go home at 5ish, then the realisation that he had to be at class at 9 and I had to be at work at 11... nooo!!

' ve are stuuupit ' in the words of Lud.

Taxi home has classic fm on - the Viennese waltz comes on, I wouldn't really have noticed had it not been for Lud.. “Please turn it up.. I'M AUSTRIAN!!”

Anyway that night my friend said to me “There's gonna be a cool party on Thursday night. You should definitely come. Free bar!!” and handed me some invitations.

We now have a new tradition here in Bcn (it apparently originates in Germany) that if it's someone's bday we celebrate the night before as well as on the day. At midnight we clink our glasses and this also means that we're out far too many nights!

And so it happened to be Frauline's bday on the Friday and where better to go the Thursday night than to the free bar party. The only problem being that we were a little confused as to where it was. The invitations were in the style of airline tickets and the address was Parc Ciutadella - a very large park in the center of the city. Off we trundled to the Park but could see no sign of any parties, very strange. One of the girls piped up, “Why don't we just go to any bar?” “Please,” I said, “any bar does not have free bar”, and so we continued our search and on our way we found some more people with the airline tickets.

We got to one of the main gates of the park and walked a little way in to find some airline hostesses ready to take our invitations, "Please wait here to be collected" they told us, in front of us the paths were laid out with lights so they appeared like run-ways.

I wondered if we were about to be taken on a little plane ride, but no such luck. Instead a little train came and picked us up to take us deep into the center of the park and into the middle of the zoo!!! A party in the zoo! Yes! The party had been organised by Bombay Gin, so the theme was Bombay nights. It was very cool. They had a taxi that you got in and views of Bombay were projected on to the windows, lots of cushions on the floor, and a free bar… with the drink of choice of course being gin and tonic.. yes!!

3. Andorra.

As most of you know.. I work at a *beep*.. and so most of the people who come here are not familiar with Barcelona or the surrounding area and so the *beep* works in partnership with an excursion and activity company who surprisingly enough offer.. excursions and activities.. the benefits of this to me are that I can go on any excursion free... and so having not yet taking advantage of this I decided it was time to visit the neighbouring tax free haven of Andorra to stock up on booze, fags, clothes, DVDs and beauty products as well as having the novelty of spending the day in a different country.. the downside to this was that the coach left at 7 am.. me being me, went out for dinner the night before.. but as many of you know.. with me dinner is never just dinner.. it progressed into drinks.. and a local nightclub. Anyway at some point I had some realisation of my early morning start and trundled off home at 430..
After what seemed like 10 seconds of sleep Frauline my work colleague phoned me at 6..

"Are you up? Are you awake?"

Of course I wasn't and proceeded to sleep for another 40 minutes thereby being the last on the coach.. as if that was a surprise. Anyway we set off, Frauline and I were asleep within minutes leaving our traveling companions to take some embarrassing photos.. not one to shun embarrassment I have put the sleeping photos on the space.. and yes that is a sleeping mask.. I can't be dealing with light while I'm sleeping..
After 2 hours we stopped for a loo break and a quick coffee... I'm not really sure where we were other than somewhere in the heart of Catalunya - in between Barcelona and the Pyrenees. but the people in the roadside café were truly inbred weasels of the highest degree. i was scared...i scuttled off back to the coach only to wake up when we reached our destination..
Off we got with the trip organiser handing out maps.. 'You really won't need these - the town is so small it's impossible to get lost' .. 'there are two main shopping streets and at the end you'll find the old parliament building' easy peasy..

Leander, one of the guys we were with, had no interest in shopping (crazy fool) and wanted to go trekking! HA! Trekking.. when there are so many shops in close proximity.. oh no my friend..
Anyway, off we went down the main shopping street.. to be honest i was a bit disappointed.. we found Zara.. cheap cheap clothes.. and a couple of other shops but nothing really too great.. although saying this I did manage to blow a couple of hundred euro .. anyway we wanted to see the old parliament building before we had to go back so as we came to the river .. we'd walked a pretty long way up the road.. we thought we must be getting close.. it looked about 8 minutes away on the town plan.. out came the maps...
Hmmm.. there was no river on the map... strange...
nor did the street we were on appear...
curiouser and curiouser..
we decided to ask a passer by..
Lo and behold we had walked off the map in a completely different direction, had bipassed both shopping streets (no wonder the shops were crap) and were now at the opposite end of the town to the parliament building...

Why why does it always happen to me?

After a bit of bantering about trying to find out how to get back we made it up the shopping street (niiiiicee shops no time) and eventually up to the old parliament, who should we come across but Leander. He'd been trekking up through the Pyrenees and seen a stunning waterfall and had a nice picnic and an altogether jolly old time... Suddenly our jeering of his trekking idea was not so amusing..

Anyway it had been a long day and once again back on the coach Frauline and I went straight to sleep only to be victimised by the boys cameras.. but i needed the rest.. it was Saturday night.. which meant.. more mojitos and DANZATORIA!!!!!! I really think they should start paying me some kind of promoters fee I mention it so much and badger so many people into going!

Elegant club-bar in a beautiful house on a suburban hillside frequented by the Barca florinata - that’s posh people to you and me. Upmarket and sometimes a little posey the house is actually an old family palazzo, three floors of which have been turned into a club-bar by the offspring of the owners who also run the sexy more minimalist Club Danzatoria down by the port. Quite what the neighbours think we have no idea but the beauties in here will make your head spin almost as much as the strong sangria cocktails that the welcoming bar staff prepare. Stays open until after 3am and there’s no charge. Sexy Spanish decadence doesn’t get much better than this.

As usual this was followed by cheese-mania at Atlantic and yet another late night.. at this rate I may well turn into a bat.

Sunday afternoons in Barcelona are great.. I say afternoon as opposed to sunDAY as it is highly unlikely I see anything before around 2pm.. but it's nice to stroll along by the port, have a delish ice-cream and maybe catch an evening movie.. I happened to see a film called Samaritan Girl the other day.. a Korean offering about teenage prostitutes.. very very strange .. I wouldn't recommend it!

4. Salsa classes
After three months of salsa classes with classmates who are truly the worst, most uncoordinated, completely lacking in rhythm dancers I have ever seen.. it was time for the salsa exam..
I don't think our teachers held out much hope for the class having not been able to cover all the material necessary to pass to the second course but we went ahead anyway.. a friend of mine, always comes and helps out at class.. he likes to dance salsa at every opportunity even though he's in advanced class now.. and so at the end of the exam the teacher said to him.. you can definitely go through to the second course.. you're really good!! he's already done second course I told her.. oh right. she said... then she just looked at me.. and carried on.. I guess that's a fail then..
Went to dance salsa with my housemate Aria and either I'm really really crap or HC just makes up his own moves.. I have come to the conclusion that he definitely makes up his own moves as my friend danced with him too and had no idea what he was up to!

5. Torremolinos
Things never ever seem to go to plan for me.. I was really looking forward to an entire weekend of proper english banter with Brodie and J away from Catalans and Germans.. and had booked my flight down to Málaga.. the week could just not go fast enough for my liking.. even tho it was filled with free bar parties.. and so as soon as I finished work I raced down to the airport.. almost missed the plane.. eek.. but got on.. only for it to be delayed for over an hour due to some Japanese plane trashing the runway.. not a good start

Anyway I finally got to Malaga.. J was waiting for me at the airport..(without a drink) but there was plenty of time for that.. and off to Torremolinos we went.. a quick shower and change of clothes and I would be ready to let the festivities commence..unfortunately my contact lens dissappeared somewhere in my eye.. this happens now and again and after a bit of poking it normally just drops out.. not this time.. after about 45 minutes of poking and rubbing my eye it still had not appeared.. err J I think I may have to go to the emergency room.. luckily after tipping half a bottle of liquid into my eye it finally fell out and we were back on track even tho my eye was rather red and swollen!

We headed off to a local bar for our first drink of the evening.. funnily enough the bar happened to be a kareoke bar and what better way for me to get over the contact lens incident than for J to get up and belt out 'You've lost that Loving feeling' to an entire bar full of pikeys.. half of which joined in and gave him a huge round of applause and some whistles at the end of his performance.. unfortunately the table of ladies next to us that J had his eye on made a sharp exit when J got up to sing.. I think it may have been when J gave them the old`'You're beautiful' line with a cheeky wink during the musical interlude that they got their bags and headed for the door.

Anyway the bar wasn't exactly pumping it up so we headed on down to a place known as 24 hour square.. surprisingly enough a square.. full of bars and clubs with promotors trying to harrass you into their bars with various different drinks offers.. we settled on a place that offered 2 drinks for 7 euros.. nice.. we were feeling pretty pleased with ourselves until we realised we were in fact in a gay bar.. not so clever now.. we saw our drinks away and decided to head on down to the beach front where there were many more bars to choose from.. we danced away the night doing lots of clapping (popular in Spain) and when we got kicked out and it was time to go home J and I thought it would be a brilliant idea to walk back along the sand.. after all the taxi took less than 10 minutes so it couldnt have been more than 2 or 3 km..

At 6am the water looked too tempting and so I suggested a quick dip.. J wasted no time in getting naked and running on down to the water. I at least kept my underwear on. The water was so warm!!!! It was the best swim in the sea ever, the looks from bemused passers-by were also quite funny... unfortunately brodie wasn't around that night to steal j's clothes and run away with them..

We finally made it back to the hotel an hour later and in daylight only to find ourselves locked out... I guess it served us right for being dirty stop outs!

The next day we managed to drag our lazy arses out of bed and make it down to the beach with J's new purchase - an enormous rubber ring. A good idea in theory but causes much arm muscle injury if you're not strong enough to pull yourself up into it - yes that would be me.

Anyway Brodie arrived that afternoon and off we headed again to 24 hours square. The night was pretty comical but as this is a family newsletter I have decided to edit the contents and keep J's antics that night on the quiet.. some of you have already heard about the adventures of that evening but as I don't wish to offend anyone I'll keep it out of this newsletter.. it WAS funny though! oh J..

I have rambled on for far too long again and i think i've bored you stupid now with my banter.. the next few days were spent recovering especially after getting whiplash at the waterpark.. I long for the day when I can do something without incident.