A visit home

Yet another ridiculously long newsletter from the land of Catalunya.. ! If only my essays at uni had required me to write banterous tales of alcohol induced antics.. I may have got a first.

1. A visit home 23rd June
A few weeks ago I decided that it was time for a trip home. My mother was threatening to throw my stuff in the street and I was in need of a haircut. Spanish hairdressers are far too scary for my liking and I really wasn't liking the idea of a mini-fringe or a mullet... or any other random hairstyle that's popular amongst Catalans..
The Friday was a national holiday in Barcelona, San Joan, a mayhem filled fiesta involving tons of fireworks and plenty of injuries. After experiencing Las Fallas in Valencia a couple of years ago the prospect of having fireworks thrown at me again was not appealing especially after reading a special newspaper report on how many digits had been lost in firework accidents in the last ten years… scary stuff - UK was a far safer bet.
And so I decided to take the Thursday off and fly into East Midlands to spend a night in Nottingham with J before he went off to Canada, some final banter..

As on Thursday I didn't have to work I planned to go out.. I had already been out on the Tuesday until late but it was almost holiday after all.. I went out with some students straight after work to a nice Mexican bar planned to stay no more than an hour but ended up going home 7 hours later at 3am.. it was as I trundled home I realised that I had to be up at 7 and I still hadn't packed.. eek!!! My housemate found me sat cross-legged next to my suitcase just throwing random items of clothing in, in the hope that I might be able to hash together some kind of outfit when I got to the UK, from the look of bemusement on my housemate's face I knew it was time to go to bed..

Luckily I managed to wake up with just enough time to repack my suitcase in the morning.. one shoe would not have been of much use to me.. I managed to get to the bus station and get the bus with 30 seconds to spare. I was testing out flying from Girona on the Ryan Air flights and this involves an hour plus bus ride from Barcelona.. NEVER FLY RYAN AIR! It is full of scutters and gypsies..

I admit that I wasn't in the best of moods as I had had very little sleep but seeing the enormous 45 minute long queue for the 2 solitary check in desks did not help.. it helped even less when a couple of northern monkeys decided to take my space in the queue while i was searching in my bag for my passport. I picked up my bag and placed myself in my rightful place.. they then started muttering amongst themselves in an audible voice.. that girl's got a bloody cheek... pushing in the queue.. etc etc.. you know what these old people are like.. i wouldn't have minded so much had it not been for the fact that for once I had nothing wrong and it was they who were the queue jumpers who then had the nerve to talk about me while I was standing there... I turned round, "Is there a problem" I enquired... they started spluttering er no .. I was just talking to him... "That's ok then" I replied. I turned back round and they continued to mutter about me in less audible voices this time, all the way down the sodding queue. When we approached the front i gestured that they could go first if it was that bloody important to them but no, they didn’t want to.. funny that.

That was not to be the end of my traumas on my Ryan air flight back home.. as we were boarding there were some very shady characters standing in front of me. Oh God. More pikeys. The guy had several tattoos but the one that caught my eye was a warrior holding a bloodied sword above his head with.. ma and pa written under each of the feet – classy - he then swung his hand luggage across his back almost knocking me out and I noticed his address… The key words that stuck out were MOBILE HOME… Oh dear God.. Real life gypsies.. It could only happen to me

It was possibly the most awful plane journey I have ever taken. I have never seen so many seats crammed into such a small space, on top of this they've taken out the little button you press to tilt the seat back so you can’t even sleep. It's the worst.
Anyway… enough of anti Ryan air rants..

I finally reached the airport and J was waiting so that we could go directly to Nando's... mmmmmmm Nandos... I absolutely stuffed myself with delicious chicken and then it was time for the fun to begin.. on our way home we stopped by Tesco’s. They now have these ingenious machines where you can check out your own stuff.. I had to have a go... I managed to break the machine by putting my bag where the shopping is meant to go, how was I meant to know it weighs your stuff to check you aren’t thieving!!
Anyway we headed from the supermarket via house collected alcohol and ice and went straight to the park complete with a purple mug to have a few cheeky beverages while soaking up some rays.. nice summers day in the park.. yes!

After a few more drinks in the courtyard of J's house and J deciding to climb the roof.. (an antic which would be repeated over the course of the weekend with disastrous results) We then went on to have a night out in Nottingham … where I showed some bar staff how to prepare legendary jammy dodgers and ending up in Tantra where they had a live singer/band who sang ..yes.. You’ve lost that loving feeling without any provocation.. We went crazy!!! Salad dancing and trumpets came out... excellent! i then told the singer that his performance pleased me and he just gave me a strange look...

J and Piper had started to get hungry by about 1230 and clearly wanted food.. i knew this because they were singing along to every song but had changed the lyrics to food food food food food food we want food food food food food... Thea and I had set our sights on a a large pitcher of tasty looking cocktail that the bloke next to us was struggling with.. it was only good manners to offer to help it out with it.. so we sent J and Piper off to get food with the promise that we would join the shortly.. while we tucked into the pitcher with an Australian hedgehog farmer and his mate... much crazy dancing later and about 500 phone calls from J trying to find out why we hadn’t appeared yet.. the bar closed and we ended up making our way down to the casino.. gambling with other people's money.. yes!! J was still calling me to find out where we were and continued to believe me when i told him we were on our way. We ended up spending a couple of hours in the casino losing all of the hedgehog farmer's money, grabbing some naan and chips and a cheeky snog and walking home at 0530.. now it was my turn to call J as i had all my stuff in his house.. after 11 phone calls he didn't answer and i thought he was just being vengeful.. but finally he picked up the phone.. i found him completely battered sprawled across Thea's sofa.. unable to formulate a sentence..


I managed to drag him back to the house.. somehow.. as i wasn't exactly stone cold sober.. and was amazed that it was daylight.. J shouted abuse at some pikeys.. but luckily i don’t think they heard him and we got back in one piece.. it was then that J decided he would not be going to work that day and instead would accompany me back home on the 9am train and spend the weekend in my home town. He had already sacked off work the night before by telling them that he had dysentery so it was not much of a problem.. we got to bed at 6 but after an hour J came in and started pottering about.. fuck off J.. I only have 2 hours to sleep and you have managed to disturb even those. Anyway at 0730 J was back pottering about once again.. grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Anyway in the end I just got up and we made our way down to the station to catch the train. A relative was picking us up at the other end as I had an important appointment with the bank to go to at 12 so I need to give the illusion of sobriety.. Me and J chatted the whole way back to good old Kettering and it was only several hours later that I realised we had both still been absolutely hammered talking an absolute load of shit. God knows what the other passengers must’ve thought... my attempt to appear sober didn’t really work either. The plan was to keep our mouths shut.. J managed but I was just jabbered nonsensical gibberish... oh dear.
Even worse was the alcohol shakes when I made it to the bank having dropped J off to nap, not good. I then had a three hour appointment with the hairdresser, it was so nice and warm and relaxing having someone "playing" with my hair that I completely fell asleep, even had dreams, head lolling, dribbling... felt like a complete pillock, but at least I had a nice new hair cut.

Off I went to Mistletoe Road to see how J was fending. Now J having gone back to bed still battered had woken up wondering what the hell he was doing in my home town. It was all good though, Tia arrived with supplies for the imminent Saturday night party and obviously we tested them out to make sure that we weren’t going to poison anyone. We then made our way into My home town – the center of the universe - for more Jammy dodgers, couple of mojitos then some crazy dancing in my home town’s premier night spot followed by a tasty kebab in burger joint. What amazes me most about burger joint is that even though I only go once every 2 or 3 months when I’m back in the UK.. They always remember my name and make sure my order has top priority. They even have my phone number.. Very pleasing.

The next day after very little sleep again, I was absolutely dead… we went into town for some breakfast at around 1600, then came back and crashed on the sofa feeling sorry for ourselves.. when Maisy found us she was not very impressed at our apparent lack of enthusiasm for the house party that would end all house parties. All I wanted to do was sleep, this all changed after J poured some redbull (and vodka) down my throat and I began to liven up.. guests arrived and we made our way into the garden for some drinks on the patio.. I remember quite clearly J and Colin chatting. It went something along the lines of...

“All good parties always end in a fight, or stuff getting smashed or someone leaving in an ambulance”

Colin – “well it ain’t gonna be me.. I'm invincible”

It was at this point we decided that we would ‘borrow’ next doors slide for our own garden and then I believe it was me that planted the idea of transforming the garden into one massive water slide with the help of bin bags, a kettle of water and some washing up liquid.. Let the mayhem commence!!!


After some fun watching Thumper go head first over the slide and all the way down the garden I had another bright idea.. I gathered some partners in crime (Colin and J) and we headed to the ‘shop’ to buy ‘chocolate’.. We did actually make it to the shop where we purchased some sambuca which J shoved down the back of his trousers so that we could take it to our real destination.. The Pub for a couple of cheeky tequilas… I believe this could be to blame for what happened later… the Pub is a good 500m away from ivy road yet as we came out (with some shot glasses successfully thieved by myself) we could hear the power ballads pumping from the party..

I think the point I knew that it was gonna get messy was when the entire bottle of sambuca disappeared within 10 minutes of getting back to the party… and only 3 or 4 people were involved in drinking it.. J and Colin being the main culprits..
With the music going and alcohol flowing the party was going swimmingly.. J had vanished though. He was later found asleep upstairs which was soon remedied and he was back at the party, waking him up was probably not one of my better ideas.. (unlike the water slide).. The events that followed would lead to this being a party that no-one would forget..

1. Colin then threw J onto the BBQ which was demolished and thrown over into the next garden (official line – it was broken the following week during the day when J tripped and fell on it) (there was not gonna have to be an official line but when Maisy and J went to buy a replacement bbq, they realised after they had assembled it that it was completely different.. Maisy's parents were pleased though as it was better than the one they had originally bought her)
2. He then threw J into a tree… and left him there… for a good 20 minutes..
3. Meanwhile I was storming the dancefloor with some salad dancing as well as being the official party photographer and bantering anyone in my path..
4. J (total victimisation) was then thrown in a bush… followed by Maisy … who now has a nice Harry Potter scar on her head (official line – done whilst on the Friday night at the wedding falling into a bush in Edinburgh botanical garden) this was after she’d already been dropped on her head while being spun around trying to do some dirty dancing moves
5. The first victim, Shell, passes out.
6. Thumper spills vodka all over stereo and it blows up.. stereo is put in airing cupboard to dry off..
7. J disappears again and I spend a good ten minutes searching under the beds.. in the wardrobes.. up the tree.. no sign
8. I then realise Colin is also missing so assume they are together and all is well
9. Stereo is dried.,.. amazingly works and the party continues….
10. Around 4.. blue lights are seen outside… Maisy – “turn everything off.. DRUGS RAID” … errr we have no drugs… realise it’s a false alarm and music goes back on
11. Receive phone call from J… can you just come outside in the street.. I stagger out and see ambulance about 100m down the road..

12. “Should I be approaching ambulance?”

13. yes

14. Colin is laying in ambulance… the ambulance men assure me that it isn't a serious injury.. I take a quick snap with my phone and the ambulance men slam the doors in my face..

15. I run back to the party.. show everyone the comedy photo and have a good old laugh..

Turns out Colin and J has decided to go garden hopping… this was going well until about 20 houses down they encountered the wall of the auto garage.. not being the type of guys to let something like a wall stop them.. they climbed on top of the garage.. Colin put a hole through the roof.. J carried on and made his way back to street level by successfully jumping off.. VICTORY.. Colin was still on top of the roof and not so sure about leaping to his certain death.. J advised him that the best way would be to lower himself down using anything but the plastic guttering.. Colin grabbed on to the plastic guttering comes crashing down.. J tried to catch him.. ambulance called..

16. Around 430 I receive an answer phone message.. Hello this is J.. just at the General Hospital.. me and Colin are sobering up.. can you bring us more alcohol..

17. Around 530 party starts winding down and we all start to find little spaces to sleep, me and Benji on the floor, Thumper Shell and Kt in one bed, Tia and Stevo in another

18. Around 9ish J arrives back from the hospital, Colin has fractured his knee and has to have his whole leg in plaster. He will be out of action for months.

After grabbing some breakfast at the local café and recovering a little we all headed to the hospital to see Colin.. even though his entire left leg was in plaster, he was in fairly good spirits agreeing that it was probably the best house party in the world ever.