Ayyyy

I know have I have been particularly slack in my efforts to teach the world how to cuss in Spanish but I have good reason which I will summarise here

• Week long headaches
• Stomach ulcer
• Two vists to the gynaecologist in a week. TWO
• MORE problems with the apartment including lawyers and surveyors
• Family visits

So all in all, meeeehhhhhhhh or as they would say here

Dun dun duh

Word of the Week
helping the world cuss in Spanish

¡La Virgen!

The Virgin!

EG: after recounting my woes to a Spanish person they may reply

!Ay la Virgen! Pobrecita

Oh The Virgin, poor little one

Things are now looking up though – more soon to come!

Alive

Loco injured himself at football for the second time in 3 weeks. he is now hobbling around on crutches which means that I will remain alive for the foreseeable future - no skiing ya see! YAY!

It is just as well really, seeing as I spent the month's wages (his and mine) on duvet covers. Champagne tastes, beer money. sigh.

Oh and the chapuceros from last week - they got sacked. The building work has been delayed while the kitchen is taken out, the walls re-tiled, the plastering redone and the ceiling being re-put up, at no cost to ourselves thank God.

Anyway now it's time for, dun dun duhhhhhhhhh

Word of the Week
helping the world cuss in Spanish

This week's word is TORPE meaning Clumsy, slow or awkward

EG: Loco: "Cuidado con mi pie!" Watch my foot!

Shameless trips over Loco's foot

Loco: "Que torpe eres, por dios" My God you are clumsy

Pleasing to the ear

This version of this song, pleases me.

Do wah diddy diddy

Murray Lachlan Young

New event

There's a few days left before I go to my death skiing, so I thought I'd introduce a new event on the blog

Shameless Hussy Productions is proud to present

...Sound trumpets...

Word of the Week
helping the world cuss in Spanish

Good eh!

So today's word, although not necessarily a "taco" (swearword), it can come in quite handy. So without any further ado, let me present today's word

CHAPUCERO

pronounced cha-poo-thero

Translation: Shoddy workmanship, "cowboy"

Example sentence: Menudo chapucero! no veas como me han jodido la cocina

Translation: God damn cowboy! You won't believe how they have fucked up my kitchen

In my case I am talking about the chapuceros that installed the gas tubing, who after seeing a nice new kitchen decided to sit on the new cupboards, bending the doors, throwing cigarette butts on the nice new floor, and drilling holes in the tiles, THE GOD DAMN TILES, to poke through some pipes anywhere they saw fit, only to cover up the pipes with a box of what looks like scrap metal. AND IT ISN'T EVEN STRAIGHT.

I promise I will get round to taking photos some day.

Skimite

Don't think I have forgotten last year's debacle.

I haven't.

I well remember the incident with the small child, and the way it bled, practically to death on a frosty bed of snow.

I also remember the near-death experience on the journey there, with the crazy drivers and the slippery roads.

I remember it all, and none too fondly.

So why, WHY on earth are we going again.

Skiing. sigh. It's a bit like marmite.

I am a loser

I may have mentioned the shiny new video shaped iPod present I got for Christmas/three kings.. It's great, I don't know how I went a year without one, but as much as I love it, I have a tiny problem.

Ways to use your iPod:

Listening to music at work - check
Watching Ugly Betty in bed - check
Doing either of the above on public transport - Errrr...

You see, I have an irrational fear of using my iPod on public transport lest it be stolen. This is ridiculous - I KNOW! Barcelona is like iPod city, you are no-one in Barcelona if you don't walk the streets with your trusty white rectangular-shaped steed. But still, I don't know, it's so new and shiny.. in the hands of a weak, pasty looking girl - a mugger's delight.

Coward? Me? Hell yes.

Remember those stories in the papers when iPods first came out:

"Muggers target iPod users because of the distinctive white headphones"?

No???
Well they damn near traumatised me.

So now, everytime I have to get on the bus/tram/metro, my super-dooper new fancy iPod just sits in my bag while I stare gormlessly out of the window listening to the tinny noise of the iPods all around me.

Sigh.

Brothel-zilla

In designing the new lay out of the apartment, we decided to put an archway in the living room, which leads into the hall, which in turn leads to the bedrooms.

This clever thinking saved us paying for another door. Doors are expensive don't you know.

The archway was one of the last things to be done and now the apartment is nearly finished (woop woop), all that is left is the flooring and painting.

Oh and redoing the archway.

You see, when we popped round last night to check on the progress, the archway had been done, which is good.

But, it looked like a giant penis, which is badddd.

So bad in fact, that Loco spent an hour this morning explaining to the builders how to redo the archway so that it would not look like, well like it did.

I didn't notice the penis resemblance until Loco pointed it out to me, but it stared him right in the face. I wonder what Freud would say. Apparently it will look even more like a penis when the frame has been put in.

The builders just looked bemused.In the end he told them to leave it how ever they want. Tonight we will go and see what "how ever they want" turned out.

Anyway, instead of the classy decoration scheme I was considering for the whole living room/hall way area, I think I'm now gonna go for some red light bulbs and a flashing neon sign saying welcome to the Palace of the Penis.

What do you think?

Note: It is in instances like this that I wish I remembered to take photos of things. God damn amusing fallic archway making me forget.

Scratdog

This is the scratdog. Isn't it cute??? I just wanna eat him.

Now how do I convince the Loco.

I forgot

Bully update

She got promoted.

Karma - where art thou

united states of whatever

16 days between posts. No excuses. So I'm crap at blogging. Meehhh. Who cares.

Here are some updates:

Present Update: Nothing ring shaped for me, got a new fancy iPod instead, let's hope this one doesn't break exactly 12 months after I got it. When we were out shopping for gifts for the rest of the family we passed a jewellery shop.

Loco said to me "Let's go and look at the rings".

SERIOUSLY!!!

I was like "What? WHAT?? WHAAAAATTTTTT?"

Then he said "What would you do if I said that we were going to pick your ring now?"

I, slightly hysterical, replied "You're joking right? This is a joke? You cruelly raising my expectations only to shatter them. There is no ring for me today"

Loco laughed "No there isn't. You say you want the romantic surprise proposal but you don't really care that I just bring you into a shop, you just want the ring.."

Me: "Whatever"

We left the jewellery shop minus any diamond shaped purchases. I didn't really mind, it was a narrow escape - all the rings they had were ugly.

Flatzilla update:

Neighbours still hysterical - check

Builders refusing to do anything that involves noise or dust because of aforementioned hysterical neighbours - check

After cleaning the tiles we find a load chipped - check

Too late to do anything about it - check

Wonky windows - check

Oh and more exciting than choosing tiles .... choosing taps.. whole new level of fun.

AOB

Wispas - they come back and delight me for a week or two and now, I place my order with UK relatives and nothing. Where have they gone?

Also, small rat dogs, specifically ones that have cute little faces like scrat, (I'm not good with breed names) sooo cute. I want one. Locoputer says nooo. Hell he won't even let me have a stick insect, talk about harsh.

PS If anyone can name the breed - that would be good - then I can secretly buy one and er, secretly keep it, erm, secretly somewhere... or perhaps not.

happy new blah

The interminable Spanish Christmas process is nearly over with only 2 more eating fests to get through. Saturday night is when the Three Kings come and deliver your presents in the style of Father Christmas. Big processions are held in the evening and the Three Kings throw sweets out to the crowds. On Sunday the 6th when traditionally the presents are opened we will be going out for lunch as we will have already opened our presents the night before.

Loco has yet to buy my present but last night he was asking me all about rings. again. This afternoon, when he finishes work, he is off to purchase whatever it is he is planning to get me.

Now I am not going to let myself get excited as I will probably end up with guitar hero or a Nintendo DS .. but still.. why all the questions??

Over the festive period the neighbours have continued to be complete bastards and they even held a meeting to discuss our apartment. Like they have a right to decide what we can and can't do. GAH.

Having attended the meeting I am now fairly concerned for the mental health of most of the nieghbours within our apartment block as within 5 minutes of the meeting starting they were at each others throats and having to be stopped from clawing each others eyes out. Oh how I wish I was joking.

My neighbours are all crazy.

We did manage to inform them that the building work had been checked by an architect and everything was in order however they didn't believe us, but honestly, don't care, they've complained to the council and they can't do anymore than that. (except stick pins in the little voodoo dolls they surely have of us)

I spoke too soon

Not 5 minutes after I wrote the last post Loco called me to inform me that an inspector from the council had been round to the apartment to inspect the building work as some bastard neighbours had complained.

So now we have to stop the building work until such time as an architect presents a plan of the intended works to the council and we pay 5% of the cost of the building work to the greedy sods. Considering it's Christmas next week this could take some time.

I am absolutely fucking livid that some nosey neighbour from the depths of hell is sticking their nose in when it's absolutely none of their business and causing us all this unecessary hassle. May they burn in hell.

Anyway, we are going to carry on with the building work and fuck them all.

The neighbours are about to find out what an annoying neighbour really is.

(Yes I know it's stooping to their level, but hell, I don't give a damn)

That flatzilla - she outta control

So the God of Interior Design didn't answer my prayer but the good news is I have nearly all the tiles chosen! And a bath! And two toilets!!!!!!!!!

People, it doesn't get more exciting than this.

Yes I may have changed my mind 3 or, erm, 11 times with regards to tiles and driven the shop assistant crazy. I especially may have pissed them off when I decided to scrap all the tiles I had chosen there and go somewhere else, but hell, who can argue with the 25% discount the new place is giving me. I may even be pissing off the new shop assistant as I still can't fully decide on one particular tile but, BUT, the good news... the kitchen tiles have been bought, delivered and are nearly all up and they look AMAZING. I never thought I would say that about a kitchen tile.

Things are coming together - aside from the neighbours complaining ALL THE BLOODY TIME including to the police and local council and giving each other a run down on the building work in OUR APARTMENT when they have NO IDEA and it's NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS - things are looking good. Who knows, I may even publish a photo of my new tiles. Crazy eh.

Flatzilla alert

Renovating an apartment is hard work. I don't mean physically, hell I have builders to do that (yes I do and yes they've started, woop woop). I mean mentally, totally exhausting.

Take floor tiles for example, they're all the same right? Wrong. In one shop we went to there were 4500 different samples of floor tiles. How am I meant to pick one? I may hvae mentioned before that I am about as creative as, oh, a floor tile. My brain is not taking kindly to all the extra space I am needing in my head to store, compare and rate different floor tiles. I have reached the point where I am so sick to the teeth of looking at floor tiles that when the shop attendant says "what about this one?", I just say "yeah fine, that'll do". But I can't do that - I have to live with this damn floor tile and it some how has to match the kitchen units (no I haven't chosen - don't even want to think about it) and then, THEN, there's the wall tiles, not to mention all the tiles needed for the bathrooms.

AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and open my eyes to find everything done beautifully.

What will I do when I have to choose furniture? Or paint? Tonight I have to choose a bath..

Oh God of Interiors, Furnishing and Fittings please send me divine inspiration. PLEASEEEEEE

Ring and ting

This weekend I was back in the UK stocking up on quintessentially British products, difficult to find in Spain, such as wispa bars, and stuffing myself full of roast potatoes and Yorkshire pudding. I now have, what the Spanish would call, an “empacho” – basically I ate so much I am now feeling sick sick sick. Last night I ate an apple and a jelly for dinner and it was still too much. Plain white rice seems to be the order of the day – bleugh.

In UK Loco and I went on a little shopping trip, it was productive, I ended up with a new coat. During the trip the subject of rings came up and how one I had been recently given (not by him) was too big for me

“So rings come in sizes then” said Loco
“Of course they come in sizes – not everyone has the same size finger”
“Oh.”

A few minutes later
“Well how do you know what size is your size”
“At the jeweler they have a device that measures your ring, or you can just do it with a bit of string and compare it to a chart”
“Oh right. So what ring size are you then?”
“Me? I don’t really remember – N I think. Ring sizes come in letters”
“Oh” Loco replied before going quiet.

What does this mean???

Santa baby.. will you be bringing me a ring this christmas?

I hope so :)

Snitch

Thanks for your comments. I’m now officially a snitch, and not the Harry Potter flying golden ball type.

In the end I had a little word in the ear of Bully’s superior who is already aware of Bully’s domineering nature but will have another word with her.

I also spoke to Bully’s victim to let her know it wasn’t all her fault that she couldn’t do the work for as well as being a bully, Bully is an anal perfectionist who needs everything done just so – making archiving a week long marathon instead of the 20 minutes it should take. She was so relieved to know it wasn’t just her and she explained to me how the Bully hadn’t liked her from the start but that she just dealt with it – poor girl.

She’s leaving at the end of the week, I won’t be here, but nobody has organised a collection as per the norm when people leave, have babies, get married etc. She has one good friend in the office and I would have thought that he would have organised something but as yet nothing, then again she is fairly new so maybe does not have enough loyal office service time under her belt to merit a present?

God I hate office politics.

Bully

Recently at work I was asked to help a girl who was not performing so well, she was pretty badly organised and took ages to do stuff so I was sent to see what I could do to help her improve. What I wasn't told was that she was dyslexic - I found that out for myself watching her write down letters in the wrong order etc. and then had it confirmed by my boss. To be honest her job really isn't suited to someone with dyslexia but apparently at interview she told them that she could handle it so they employed her. Then she couldn't handle it and the shit hit the fan.

Without going into too much detail, she is the assistant on a project and has a lot of admin work to do - sending letters, chasing up documents, filing etc - no big deal - only she is on the biggest project of the whole office and there is a LOT of work. By the time I was called into help she had months of filing to do, hundreds of pending tasks and was in quite a mess.

Anyway, to better understand I sat in on some meetings between the team and her to discuss the tasks she had to do and what had been completed(before I came along the people in the team had been writing out each week all the tasks that had to be completed for that week) and she pretty much hadn't done any. Every meeting was pretty much the same - she hadn't completed anything and justified it by saying she had been doing "little things", what little things nobody managed to find out. I tried to help but it didn't go so well and in the end, after a few more weeks, she resigned.

That's just background - the point of the post is the way that one of the team members spoke to her. Obviously I understand that this project team are having a hard time if their assistant isn't getting the stuff done but seriously, the way one of them spoke to her, let's call her the Bully, was incredible. I really felt uncomfortable in these meetings but the assistant handled it really well - if it was me being spoken to like that I would have cried. really.

When she resigned it was decided that I would do her job until they could get someone new - so we had another meeting to discuss the tasks left over and that kind of thing. At the end of the meeting the assistant was called in just to clarify a few issues - I felt so bad for the poor girl - she was trembling as she explained and at one point the team bully asked - "Did you complete the task, well did you?" over and over, the poor girl couldn't speak as she was clearly about to cry. "Well that's just great" sighed the bully sarcastically.

I just sat there like, fucking hell, should I say something? Should I say, "Hang on a minute, don't speak to her like that, you're not her fucking boss". But I didn't. I just sat there in silence.

The bully is looking to get a promotion - she works really hard but still - if she was promoted she would have to explain things to people, and delegate more work to others. If that's the way she treats the team assistant, I really don't think that she deserves a promotion. In fact i think she needs a bloody good bollocking.

I don't want to be a grass - but I really didn't like what I saw. Should I tell my boss? I'm not concerned that she would speak to me like that, I don't think she would dare, but the assistant is very timid and a little geeky and an easy target for the "cool" bully. It feels like being back at school.

Gah. What to do?

Early

The other day Loco and I woke up very early. We could have got up and gone into work and maybe arrived at a respectable hour for once, but instead we stayed in bed chatting, for an hour.

It was really nice and in a way I wish we woke up extra early every day so we could do the same, but I suppose the novelty would wear off.

At one point Loco was looking particularly pensive,

"What are you thinking about?" I asked

"Oh nothing" he replied

"You must be thinking about something..."

"Um, well, just about Dorc's wedding.."

"DORC'S WEDDING? Have you suddenly realised that you are secretly in love with her and are now lamenting her forthcoming nuptials??"

"No, I was just thinking if we get married on our preferred date will it give it enough time to go on a nice long honeymoon before we have to go to her wedding"

"Oh. Well yes, there'd be a month so plenty of time.."

and then as my brain whirled into action I exclaimed

"Ha! So you DO want to get married!"

Loco just smiled

Happy days.

Dorc

Oh God. It's been 3 days, I'm slipping into those bad habits again - although I do have an excuse, kind of.

Somehow I managed to .. do.. "something" to my back, in my sleep. Something that means a lot of pain when I move my head. This has happened before - I guess it happens to everyone once in a while but my problem was that I was in greatest pain when lying down or sitting on the sofa. I held out for one day then went straight to the Doc for drugs.

I'm now feeling much better and hoping that my private healthcare decides to pay out for the 10 sessions of physio the Doc has said I need. I'm booked in for tomorrow night but still haven't heard anything so fingers crossed.

In other news, a friend of Loco's is getting married in 2009. This friend, let's call her Dorc, used to fancy Loco when they were younger and spent their summers together, although he denies any mutual feelings. What he failed to mention was that at a wedding they both went to last summer (I didn't go - he hadn't told his family about me at that point) she was throwing herself at him. Loco's mum informed me of that little snippet...

Re-wind. Last Summer Loco was with me so obviously not interested in her, but hang on she's getting married in 2009 so when did she meet her man, oh! before the wedding. So she was after my boy when she already had one... HO!

Can't say I'm looking forward to meeting her.

Loco's mum told me not to fret - he's never shown any interest in her ever.

And what about the fact she's getting married in 2009... thunder - stolen - hmmph.

Note: Yes I know nothing is official but I really think it soon might be... ;)

Er.. ermm.. d'oh.

As per the agreement hereby start my attempts at regular posting:

Ahem. I suppose it would help if I had something to post about..

A big row with Loco perhaps? - no, not this time.

Something amusing and embarrassing that happened to me? Nope, for once I have managed not to shame myself in public.

Something that's bothering me about the apartment renovations? NO, NO, NO! - flat-zilla get back in your box!

Well what then?

Hmm..

Hmmmmmmmmm...

Oh sod it... Here is an amusing video

PS - I apologise for my lack of technical skills - don't know how to get that video in my post...