Those were my main highlights of the month.. but I also went to a party sponsored by Marlboro at a government building – something you’d never have in UK.. they were even giving away cigarettes!

My cousin and her mates also came out one day in Barcelona. We went for a delicious meal and then went back to mine for drinks.. they were then insistent that we went to a gay club.. I was not keen especially as lesbians seem to have a penchant for me.. but as it was Sonia’s bday.. she chose and off to the gay club we went.. luckily it was on my street so I could head home vey easily if I so desired..

To my surprise it was not as bad as I thought.. there were a hell of a lot of straight people there which I thought was a bit strange but it was a good atmosphere, good music… at one point we were dancing in what I call the ‘lesbian corner’.. tell you what, if I was a lesbian I’d turn straight cos all the lesbians were so butch and complete rotters.. none of them tried to touch me which I was pleased about.. A friend of mine was found chatting up a transvestite which he was convinced was a woman though.. comedy.
This month I also made my usual visits to Danzatoria, never loses its appeal.. Las Carpas (the jumbo jet place), lots of clapping, met my bosses new kitten .. sooo cute.. and took the best photo ever..

A visit home

Yet another ridiculously long newsletter from the land of Catalunya.. ! If only my essays at uni had required me to write banterous tales of alcohol induced antics.. I may have got a first.

1. A visit home 23rd June
A few weeks ago I decided that it was time for a trip home. My mother was threatening to throw my stuff in the street and I was in need of a haircut. Spanish hairdressers are far too scary for my liking and I really wasn't liking the idea of a mini-fringe or a mullet... or any other random hairstyle that's popular amongst Catalans..
The Friday was a national holiday in Barcelona, San Joan, a mayhem filled fiesta involving tons of fireworks and plenty of injuries. After experiencing Las Fallas in Valencia a couple of years ago the prospect of having fireworks thrown at me again was not appealing especially after reading a special newspaper report on how many digits had been lost in firework accidents in the last ten years… scary stuff - UK was a far safer bet.
And so I decided to take the Thursday off and fly into East Midlands to spend a night in Nottingham with J before he went off to Canada, some final banter..

As on Thursday I didn't have to work I planned to go out.. I had already been out on the Tuesday until late but it was almost holiday after all.. I went out with some students straight after work to a nice Mexican bar planned to stay no more than an hour but ended up going home 7 hours later at 3am.. it was as I trundled home I realised that I had to be up at 7 and I still hadn't packed.. eek!!! My housemate found me sat cross-legged next to my suitcase just throwing random items of clothing in, in the hope that I might be able to hash together some kind of outfit when I got to the UK, from the look of bemusement on my housemate's face I knew it was time to go to bed..

Luckily I managed to wake up with just enough time to repack my suitcase in the morning.. one shoe would not have been of much use to me.. I managed to get to the bus station and get the bus with 30 seconds to spare. I was testing out flying from Girona on the Ryan Air flights and this involves an hour plus bus ride from Barcelona.. NEVER FLY RYAN AIR! It is full of scutters and gypsies..

I admit that I wasn't in the best of moods as I had had very little sleep but seeing the enormous 45 minute long queue for the 2 solitary check in desks did not help.. it helped even less when a couple of northern monkeys decided to take my space in the queue while i was searching in my bag for my passport. I picked up my bag and placed myself in my rightful place.. they then started muttering amongst themselves in an audible voice.. that girl's got a bloody cheek... pushing in the queue.. etc etc.. you know what these old people are like.. i wouldn't have minded so much had it not been for the fact that for once I had nothing wrong and it was they who were the queue jumpers who then had the nerve to talk about me while I was standing there... I turned round, "Is there a problem" I enquired... they started spluttering er no .. I was just talking to him... "That's ok then" I replied. I turned back round and they continued to mutter about me in less audible voices this time, all the way down the sodding queue. When we approached the front i gestured that they could go first if it was that bloody important to them but no, they didn’t want to.. funny that.

That was not to be the end of my traumas on my Ryan air flight back home.. as we were boarding there were some very shady characters standing in front of me. Oh God. More pikeys. The guy had several tattoos but the one that caught my eye was a warrior holding a bloodied sword above his head with.. ma and pa written under each of the feet – classy - he then swung his hand luggage across his back almost knocking me out and I noticed his address… The key words that stuck out were MOBILE HOME… Oh dear God.. Real life gypsies.. It could only happen to me

It was possibly the most awful plane journey I have ever taken. I have never seen so many seats crammed into such a small space, on top of this they've taken out the little button you press to tilt the seat back so you can’t even sleep. It's the worst.
Anyway… enough of anti Ryan air rants..

I finally reached the airport and J was waiting so that we could go directly to Nando's... mmmmmmm Nandos... I absolutely stuffed myself with delicious chicken and then it was time for the fun to begin.. on our way home we stopped by Tesco’s. They now have these ingenious machines where you can check out your own stuff.. I had to have a go... I managed to break the machine by putting my bag where the shopping is meant to go, how was I meant to know it weighs your stuff to check you aren’t thieving!!
Anyway we headed from the supermarket via house collected alcohol and ice and went straight to the park complete with a purple mug to have a few cheeky beverages while soaking up some rays.. nice summers day in the park.. yes!

After a few more drinks in the courtyard of J's house and J deciding to climb the roof.. (an antic which would be repeated over the course of the weekend with disastrous results) We then went on to have a night out in Nottingham … where I showed some bar staff how to prepare legendary jammy dodgers and ending up in Tantra where they had a live singer/band who sang ..yes.. You’ve lost that loving feeling without any provocation.. We went crazy!!! Salad dancing and trumpets came out... excellent! i then told the singer that his performance pleased me and he just gave me a strange look...

J and Piper had started to get hungry by about 1230 and clearly wanted food.. i knew this because they were singing along to every song but had changed the lyrics to food food food food food food we want food food food food food... Thea and I had set our sights on a a large pitcher of tasty looking cocktail that the bloke next to us was struggling with.. it was only good manners to offer to help it out with it.. so we sent J and Piper off to get food with the promise that we would join the shortly.. while we tucked into the pitcher with an Australian hedgehog farmer and his mate... much crazy dancing later and about 500 phone calls from J trying to find out why we hadn’t appeared yet.. the bar closed and we ended up making our way down to the casino.. gambling with other people's money.. yes!! J was still calling me to find out where we were and continued to believe me when i told him we were on our way. We ended up spending a couple of hours in the casino losing all of the hedgehog farmer's money, grabbing some naan and chips and a cheeky snog and walking home at 0530.. now it was my turn to call J as i had all my stuff in his house.. after 11 phone calls he didn't answer and i thought he was just being vengeful.. but finally he picked up the phone.. i found him completely battered sprawled across Thea's sofa.. unable to formulate a sentence..


I managed to drag him back to the house.. somehow.. as i wasn't exactly stone cold sober.. and was amazed that it was daylight.. J shouted abuse at some pikeys.. but luckily i don’t think they heard him and we got back in one piece.. it was then that J decided he would not be going to work that day and instead would accompany me back home on the 9am train and spend the weekend in my home town. He had already sacked off work the night before by telling them that he had dysentery so it was not much of a problem.. we got to bed at 6 but after an hour J came in and started pottering about.. fuck off J.. I only have 2 hours to sleep and you have managed to disturb even those. Anyway at 0730 J was back pottering about once again.. grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Anyway in the end I just got up and we made our way down to the station to catch the train. A relative was picking us up at the other end as I had an important appointment with the bank to go to at 12 so I need to give the illusion of sobriety.. Me and J chatted the whole way back to good old Kettering and it was only several hours later that I realised we had both still been absolutely hammered talking an absolute load of shit. God knows what the other passengers must’ve thought... my attempt to appear sober didn’t really work either. The plan was to keep our mouths shut.. J managed but I was just jabbered nonsensical gibberish... oh dear.
Even worse was the alcohol shakes when I made it to the bank having dropped J off to nap, not good. I then had a three hour appointment with the hairdresser, it was so nice and warm and relaxing having someone "playing" with my hair that I completely fell asleep, even had dreams, head lolling, dribbling... felt like a complete pillock, but at least I had a nice new hair cut.

Off I went to Mistletoe Road to see how J was fending. Now J having gone back to bed still battered had woken up wondering what the hell he was doing in my home town. It was all good though, Tia arrived with supplies for the imminent Saturday night party and obviously we tested them out to make sure that we weren’t going to poison anyone. We then made our way into My home town – the center of the universe - for more Jammy dodgers, couple of mojitos then some crazy dancing in my home town’s premier night spot followed by a tasty kebab in burger joint. What amazes me most about burger joint is that even though I only go once every 2 or 3 months when I’m back in the UK.. They always remember my name and make sure my order has top priority. They even have my phone number.. Very pleasing.

The next day after very little sleep again, I was absolutely dead… we went into town for some breakfast at around 1600, then came back and crashed on the sofa feeling sorry for ourselves.. when Maisy found us she was not very impressed at our apparent lack of enthusiasm for the house party that would end all house parties. All I wanted to do was sleep, this all changed after J poured some redbull (and vodka) down my throat and I began to liven up.. guests arrived and we made our way into the garden for some drinks on the patio.. I remember quite clearly J and Colin chatting. It went something along the lines of...

“All good parties always end in a fight, or stuff getting smashed or someone leaving in an ambulance”

Colin – “well it ain’t gonna be me.. I'm invincible”

It was at this point we decided that we would ‘borrow’ next doors slide for our own garden and then I believe it was me that planted the idea of transforming the garden into one massive water slide with the help of bin bags, a kettle of water and some washing up liquid.. Let the mayhem commence!!!


After some fun watching Thumper go head first over the slide and all the way down the garden I had another bright idea.. I gathered some partners in crime (Colin and J) and we headed to the ‘shop’ to buy ‘chocolate’.. We did actually make it to the shop where we purchased some sambuca which J shoved down the back of his trousers so that we could take it to our real destination.. The Pub for a couple of cheeky tequilas… I believe this could be to blame for what happened later… the Pub is a good 500m away from ivy road yet as we came out (with some shot glasses successfully thieved by myself) we could hear the power ballads pumping from the party..

I think the point I knew that it was gonna get messy was when the entire bottle of sambuca disappeared within 10 minutes of getting back to the party… and only 3 or 4 people were involved in drinking it.. J and Colin being the main culprits..
With the music going and alcohol flowing the party was going swimmingly.. J had vanished though. He was later found asleep upstairs which was soon remedied and he was back at the party, waking him up was probably not one of my better ideas.. (unlike the water slide).. The events that followed would lead to this being a party that no-one would forget..

1. Colin then threw J onto the BBQ which was demolished and thrown over into the next garden (official line – it was broken the following week during the day when J tripped and fell on it) (there was not gonna have to be an official line but when Maisy and J went to buy a replacement bbq, they realised after they had assembled it that it was completely different.. Maisy's parents were pleased though as it was better than the one they had originally bought her)
2. He then threw J into a tree… and left him there… for a good 20 minutes..
3. Meanwhile I was storming the dancefloor with some salad dancing as well as being the official party photographer and bantering anyone in my path..
4. J (total victimisation) was then thrown in a bush… followed by Maisy … who now has a nice Harry Potter scar on her head (official line – done whilst on the Friday night at the wedding falling into a bush in Edinburgh botanical garden) this was after she’d already been dropped on her head while being spun around trying to do some dirty dancing moves
5. The first victim, Shell, passes out.
6. Thumper spills vodka all over stereo and it blows up.. stereo is put in airing cupboard to dry off..
7. J disappears again and I spend a good ten minutes searching under the beds.. in the wardrobes.. up the tree.. no sign
8. I then realise Colin is also missing so assume they are together and all is well
9. Stereo is dried.,.. amazingly works and the party continues….
10. Around 4.. blue lights are seen outside… Maisy – “turn everything off.. DRUGS RAID” … errr we have no drugs… realise it’s a false alarm and music goes back on
11. Receive phone call from J… can you just come outside in the street.. I stagger out and see ambulance about 100m down the road..

12. “Should I be approaching ambulance?”

13. yes

14. Colin is laying in ambulance… the ambulance men assure me that it isn't a serious injury.. I take a quick snap with my phone and the ambulance men slam the doors in my face..

15. I run back to the party.. show everyone the comedy photo and have a good old laugh..

Turns out Colin and J has decided to go garden hopping… this was going well until about 20 houses down they encountered the wall of the auto garage.. not being the type of guys to let something like a wall stop them.. they climbed on top of the garage.. Colin put a hole through the roof.. J carried on and made his way back to street level by successfully jumping off.. VICTORY.. Colin was still on top of the roof and not so sure about leaping to his certain death.. J advised him that the best way would be to lower himself down using anything but the plastic guttering.. Colin grabbed on to the plastic guttering comes crashing down.. J tried to catch him.. ambulance called..

16. Around 430 I receive an answer phone message.. Hello this is J.. just at the General Hospital.. me and Colin are sobering up.. can you bring us more alcohol..

17. Around 530 party starts winding down and we all start to find little spaces to sleep, me and Benji on the floor, Thumper Shell and Kt in one bed, Tia and Stevo in another

18. Around 9ish J arrives back from the hospital, Colin has fractured his knee and has to have his whole leg in plaster. He will be out of action for months.

After grabbing some breakfast at the local café and recovering a little we all headed to the hospital to see Colin.. even though his entire left leg was in plaster, he was in fairly good spirits agreeing that it was probably the best house party in the world ever.

MTV Campari Party 7th July

The events of Thursday 7th July were pretty fucked up and when I got home I really had no desire to go out or do anything.. I then thought to myself.. fuck it.. this is what the people that did this want.. to screw up everyone’s life.. create havoc and chaos and to prevent people from going about their normal lives.. There was no way that was gonna happen to me.. and I had worked bloody hard to obtain myself an invite for the party that night that I was gonna go!

The party was being held by MTV and Campari.. I had seen some flyers for the event and wanted to go as I noticed Groove Armada were playing.. a good set if ever there was one.. however I was unaware of the exclusivity of the party and the difficulty in obtaining entrance… this did not put me off and after putting in a couple of calls to some people in the know I was on my way..

The party was held at Shoko which is a pretty cool bar as it is, with sort of an oriental thing going for it.. Campari and MTV had completely transformed it into a love palace.. at the door there was a giant martini glass with a girl laying in it and the club had been decked out in Campari colours with rose petals scattered everywhere.. a giant double bed with red and pink silk satin sheets and random giant oyster shells and stuff with girls in bikinis inside!

The bar was free. Yes. And Groove Armada played an unbelievably awesome set.. the whole club was pumping with the most “beautiful” people in Barcelona.. unfortunately these consist mainly of gay men. I did have one random man come up to me and start dancing for me.. he then put my hand under his top so I could feel his nice body!?! And then kissed my stomach.. very bizarre.. I then ran away.. why didn’t you save me I asked my friend.. oh, he said, I thought you knew him.. as if!

I went with some friends from the Dominican Republic although I have a sneaking suspicion that one may have a soft spot for me, at every opportunity he grabs hold of me like some kind of oversized leech.

Anyway it was an awesome night.

San Fermin. 9th July

On 7th July every year The San Fermines festival in Pamplona (Basque Country) begins. This is a 7 day event where the people dressed in the traditional outfit of all white with red neckerchiefs and sashes go mad and eat drink and be merry for the entire 168 hours. The highlight of the festival, or what it is most renound for is the daily event of the encierro. You will probably have heard about it or seen it on the TV, every day 6 bulls are let to run loose down the streets down to the plaza de toros (bull ring) and the people run with them…

Having heard that this was the biggest party ever known.. I had to go - obviously! Some friends of mine were going and I decided that they were worthy companions so I signed myself up. The coaches left Barcelona at 1200 midday and left Pamplona at 0900 the next morning - a full night of party party some running with the bulls and then heading home. I needed to make sure I had plenty of sleep in preparation (you know where this is headed) I ended up going to bed at 0730 on Friday (well Saturday morning) only to be up at 1030. I was dead, but there was no way I was gonna miss out and I made it to the bus.

7 hours later and a short stop in weasel country we arrived in Pamplona, a bottle of cava was handed out to everyone and we made our way into the festival.

It was completely mad. At 7pm all bars, squares, streets, clubs, pubs everywhere were absolutely full of drunken people having a crazy time… and not one fight!! It was great! Just my kind of place… we got kitted out with our red neckerchiefs and we were ready to begin the festivities with some dancing and clapping..

We decided we would have a sit down meal with plenty of wine.. before the real party started. Amazingly we managed to find a restaurant that would serve the 12 of us and we headed on over…

The restaurant was underneath a bar, even though it was only 10pm the place was jam packed and the floor was a lake of spilt drinks etc. I‘d had a couple of swigs of cava but I wouldn’t say I was drunk, but unfortunately I managed to take one step down the stairs, slip, and fall all the way to the bottom… The pain was intense and I knew any bull running was off, however I do now have an enormous purple and black bruise across my arse and one down my arm - war injuries. Yes! I used ice to numb the pain as well as plenty of alcohol and decided that medical issues could wait…there was mayhem to be had.

We finished the meal a couple of hours later and as we came out of the restaurant the streets had turned into carnage, people passed out in doorways, naked dancing… you get the idea. We decided to go to a bar but I managed to lose everyone apart from Jack on the way. Oh well not to worry, I tried to persuade Jack into dancing but he was having none of it and went and laid down on a patch of grass to rest… sleeping is cheating…there was no way I was going to travel 7 hours to do some resting, I was there to go mad. So off I went in pursuit of new friends, which I soon found in the form of some Basque guys who were wearing multi-coloured orange shorts and t-shirts. Now I had to admit when everyone wears exactly the same it makes it very difficult to find your mates amongst thousands and thousands. I was learning the hard way, but I would have no problem finding my new mates!

After having some banter with my new found friends I amazingly spotted the people that I had originally come with and we went to find somewhere to dance... the bars were so packed with people dancing, the people spilled out onto the street about 20 deep, getting to the bar was virtually impossible.. I say virtually... as I managed it!

We danced for a few hours before it was time to take our positions for the best part of the festival, the running of the bulls. I was already out due to my injuries but several of the group decided that they would participate. We decided that we would go down to the end of the route into the bull ring where all the runners and bulls end up and watch from the relative safety of the seats. To get a good view on the route you have to have found a good spot by 5am and then wait…

We got into the bull ring at about 0715 and took our positions quite high up in front of the main entrance where the runners would be coming in. There was a marching style band playing while we waited and the crowd got very lively, singing, chanting and doing the Mexican wave awaiting the first runners to come through, it was an amazing atmosphere and you felt really quite nervous for the people running - I was fairly glad that I had been injured as I would have been bricking it if I’d have run.
At 8am the run starts and the first "runners" came dawdling through. “What the hell is this?” I thought. “After all the anticipation they’re not even running”. Then we heard the first gun shot that indicated that the first bulls had been released… my, my, was there a change of pace, the dawdlers then started to leg it across the ring and throw themselves over the barriers, then hundreds of people came tearing through the gate running frantically towards the edges, closely followed by the bulls trampling everyone. It was all over within a matter of seconds and the bulls were recaptured. “Right, time to go” I thought, but no, with the bull ring now full of hundreds of people new bulls were re-released to go mad in the middle of the people. Oh my... I’ve never seen anything like it, people were trying to touch the bull and the bull was going crazy. One guy got tossed around by the bull for about 3 minutes. Loads got trampled and had their clothes ripped off them and one or two were gored. Watching it just made your stomach knot but you couldn't not watch. At one point a bull managed to jump over the barrier and into the crowd so I was quite pleased I was sitting far up.


At around 845 it was over and I made my way back to the coach for the 7 hour journey home... I almost died as the a.c. started blowing out hot air..

We finally arrived back in Barcelona at around 3.30 pm and I must’ve looked a right bedraggled state as i made my way home covered in filth with my little red neckerchief on.. nice!
I then slept for a loooong time.